I will delete this blog.
I don't need it anymore. I can do this by myself.

Independent boarding school

This Sunday I arrived at the independent boarding school - you have no clue how tough it was to let your parents and girlfriend go, seriously. And just see them drive away, it really hurts.
So you just stand there. 'What to do now?'
And nothing has changed, really. I still don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to stay. My roomie is ruining everything for me. She's such a cold-hearted bitch and I wish she would just fuck off. I'm trying to get them to change my room but.. They just won't. They say it's too early, but this shit is seriously bringing me down. I want to be happy here and get an amazing year.
But living with her just fucks it all totally up.

And suddenly everything falls apart once again

The call

Yes. You didn't text me back but instead you called me two days after. I guess you were just settling. You called when I was playing Slender and I jumped several inches with shock.
But yeah. You said you were happy with my apology and you thought we should be friends again. You don't know how happy you made me. How weightless I feel today, like I can almost fly.

Independent boarding school

Oh it's coming closer. Next Sunday. Omfg. I'm scared to death just by thinking about it. But there's still a lot of stuff to buy. A lot of necessary stuff but I hope I can get some new clothes too.

I'm going there next Sunday with my family and girlfriend which is good. I think it's gonna be nice to have them there the first hours. But after that, when they leave, what am I supposed to do? All those new people. I think I might run screaming away from the boys and hide awkwardly from the girls. Oh shit. I'm fucking lost man. But I really want this, you know? It's an awesome opportunity to get away from home and to start anew, right?
But before that, next Saturday, there's Copenhagen Gay Pride. I'm really looking forward to it. My first Gay Pride. It's gonna be awesome with all those people who are just like me. Of course it's not only gay people, but still. Meeting up with some friends and just chill. Maybe make some new friends?
But Mira's ex-girlfriends are probably gonna be there... Which sucks, but I'll just ignore them, right? What else should I do? I refuse to talk to them. Seriously. I don't wanna talk to anyone who has fucked her. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. Not that it's gross to have sex with her, but it's just so wrong when it wasn't me, you know?
Twisted stupid fuck.

With all my heart; Thanks.

Honestly. I don't know what to write about. I've wrote about everything that mattered to me. My friends. My family. My love-life. My life generally speaking. About my bad times and good times, concerns and thoughts, as twisted as they might be. I've been up, I've been down - especially down. I've been so depressed so maybe it's time for me to thank those who helped me through everything? They are after all the reason why I'm still here and I'm grateful.

Gitte: Thank you for always being there when I needed you. We've known each other for so many years but even though we've had our arguments and fights, we stuck together. That's real friendship. Right? Now we walk different paths and it seems like we're losing what we used to have, but... I treasure the moments we spend together and I'm thankful for the support you gave, and always will give when I'm in need.

Pari: Oh darling, what we haven't tried and what we haven't laughed of. No matter what I know you will always bring a smile to my face. With you I don't sense my personal troubles - With you everything just gets so much easier and less painful. I know I can always count on you. We've had so much fun and those a moments I will keep in my heart forever.

Wolter: Well.. We don't talk that much anymore, but we used to. And I really care. You know I'm here and you can always count on me to listen to your problems. That's what I'm here for. But what really matters is; I know you would do the same for me. You are a busy guy and you don't have that much time, but.. I really like you and though we've only met once, I know you are a friend I can rely on.

Amy: Yes. My ex-girlfriend. My only love for one year and a half. You were everything to me once. Once upon a time, you gave me strength. You were my first girlfriend - no, my first relationship - and you have a huge impact on my life. But after all, you were also the one who broke my heart. That truly was the thing who taught me the most. That the future you imagined might not be the one you get. Maybe it's better, maybe it's worse, but in the end, it's your choice, you hold the cards. You are still my friend, a very dear friend and I will never forget what you gave. You gave me the best and most fucked up time of my life.

Camilla: This is tough, ugh, cause we don't speak anymore. We're not even friends. We had a fight and now everything between us is broken. It truly sucks and I would give anything to be your friend again. I don't even know what happened, but.... We were friends for three years. You were the first person I started talking to on the new school and since then, we always hang out. You, Maj and Me. Shit.... Just thinking about it, makes me so miserable. What we had was so special, so rare. You were the only person I thought I wouldn't lose. But I did. I really did. I love you and I miss us. 

Izzy: I know. I know. We don't talk together anymore. I broke it off. You became this fucking emotionless person and the opposite of who you used to be. But. You saved my life. So many times. With your "Good morning sunshine" - messages and "Sleep well, beautiful". I miss you. There isn't a day where I don't think about you. But you turned into a real bitch and know I don't even recognize you. But except from that; You really did make me smile. Every day. So thanks.

Mira: Of course you, Mira. You are my angel, my love, my heaven and the best damn thing. You have made me cry, laugh and dance around with happiness. You are the good to my bad and the sun on the cold nights. If I hadn't met you, God knows where I would be. So... Thank you. You really mess me up and sometimes I feel like just kicking you out of my life but deep inside I know, that wouldn't last. I always take you back because... You are my one. I just know. Just imagining a life without you, hurts my hears and makes my insides twirl around like I'm going to puke. So please. Stay. For me?

There might be more people, like my mom and sister, but... Yeah, those I thing I'd rather keep to myself. And there's this one guy... This one guy who I really loved, but swore I would never write about again. And I intend to keep that promise.

Again and again

Why does this keep repeating? This never-fucking-ending circle of tears and sadness?
When you hold my hand, I feel sparks in my whole body. Like you're electric - in a good way.
When you kiss me, I feel so completely complete - Like I've never been broken before.
But when you lie, I get so scared. It's like my heart bursts and my brain stops working - Like I just have to escape.

We've been here before but now we're here again. You sit there, crying, I stand up, looking awkwardly at you, refusing to hold you when you cry. I know why you cry - You can't handle it when you break me over and over again. I know you love me, but...
I'm broken again. You did it again. You screwed me over like so many times before. And I'm at the point where I can't cry. I won't. I won't let you see me weak. I have to be strong with or without you. What's the difference anyway? Being miserable with you or miserable without you? ... No, there's this huge difference. Being miserable with you has always been the only thing I wanted.
You know who I am and I know who you are. You have to live with me being permanently broken. I've been hurt way too many times to be whole - but with you, you give me the illusion of being complete. With you I experience what it's like to be happy, if only for a few minutes. And that's why I can't let you go - you give me a little piece of heaven.

I can be pensive,

You can be so sure. You'll be the poison, You'll be the cure I'm alone on the journey, I'm alive none the less, And when you do your very worst, Mmmmm it feels the best.
And you'll fall down a hole. That's the one place we both know. You take me with you if you could,  but I wouldn't go. I guess sometimes we both loose our minds, and find a better road.

Mood-killer

Yesterday I went to Copenhagen Zoo with my sister and mom. It was pretty sunny and after a few hours I got these red marks all over my legs. I tried not to get sad because of it, but I could easily see everybody was staring at my legs. It really bothered me. So then my mom noticed and she began to laugh and call me physically handicapped. It almost made me cry. How I look is like everything to me. If I have a bad hair-day, then my day is automatically going to be crappy.

And my love-life right now is just dead. It's like non-existing. The spark is gone. There's nothing left. But I probably just feel like that because I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm like addicted. 

Going to the boarding school is gonna be awesome - away from the family but closer to my girlfriend. And I know everything seems broken, but I hope we can fix it again. I can't bare to see it die. I ain't ready. If I had the chance, I would hold her forever in my arms and never let go of her, but it seems so difficult when my life is such a fucked up mess. I lose friends, I can't stand my family, I feel bad about myself, so at least, God or whoever is up there, please, let me keep her in my life.

Unloved

I've never felt so alone before. I have never been so goddamn depressed and I see no way out of it. I just lay in my bed all day and when I do anything except for sleeping, I eat. I don't even want to it. I just do it to have something to do. I have this fucking headache all the time and I just feel like an empty shell.
And no one is trying to help me. I'm so alone and I can't deal with the loneliness anymore. I'm crying constantly and my mom and sister keeps asking what is wrong. Every time they do, I just want to reply; "What is NOT wrong?" 


But after all, they never feel lonely. They never feel let down. They have each other. And mom is treating my sister like she's the only daughter she cares about. What about me? Why don't I get an iPhone? Why don't I get a horse? Why doesn't she buy me new clothes all the time? It all revolves around my younger sister.
And it would be nice just to feel a little loved sometimes. But well, who cares? I'm not even worth it. So just leave me all by myself and let me drown in my own sorrow. I don't give a fuck. 


Everything just goes wrong right now. It goes like shit with the girlfriend, with the family, with the money, with the friends and the future. I don't even see my future anymore. What the hell.. And the most depressing thing is; I don't care about my future. I just want to be happy right here and right now. But neither do I deserve that.

Unforgettable.

When I think back, I remember your smile. Your shining eyes. The hair with the color of night. I remember all those beautiful memories. I remember your warm embrace, your affectionate kisses.

But now, all that, has to end. You screwed me over once again and this time I will not forget. I will not forgive. You say you are broken but you have no clue about how being broken feels. When it stings, scratches and aches like a disease in your heart. A disease that will never stop.

And yes. This disease, this fucking illness, is my love to you. A fucking circle that will fuck me over and over and fucking over again. And I cannot deal with this anymore. You meant everything to me. You were my light, you were my only hope.

But you did it again. Trashed my heart.
Don't you see? There's no future for us anymore.

The truth about me

... Is that there's not just one of me. There's a lot of sides of me. They confuse each other and sometimes I'm more than one person. I even think two different things at the same time.

There's this 'side' of me, who loves to party, drink and be wild. This person is flirty and wants adventure and is longing to be single, so I can be with all those girls I want. Like that I will never experience another heartbreak and I can live the way I want to. 

But then there's this completely opposite side of me. This 'me' do not want to party, she just wants to read, watch movies and cuddle with her girlfriend. Wants to hold on to her forever and never let go. She loves her girlfriend like she was the only girl in the world. Does not want anybody else, not even sexually. 

These sides, they confuse me like hell. Which side should I rely on? I can't get this to make sense at all. They fuck me up over and over again, and so does she. That girl whom I love with all my heart. 

The big, fucking, devastating question is; Should I hang on? Should I go with her flow and let her love me, like I love her? Or should I just give up already and face the truth about us? The trust is broken, we're too damaged, and move on? But now. How? How can I move on when I love her like I do? 

I'm crazy, I know. Do not blame me for this. If I just could make this fucking decision. 

But again, the truth is; I don't really have a choice, do I?

When my heart is beating for her, what choice do I really have?

The truth about losing

Losing is never fun, but it's part of life. Some people leaves but like that you make room for new people, who worship you more. You just have to remember that those who leave, they leave for a reason. Maybe you don't fit together, maybe you've grown apart or maybe they have hurt you so much you cannot forgive them.
Losing a real friend is unforgettable. You will remember her/his smile forever and always think back at your hilarious, fucked up, or beautiful moments together. You will treasure your memories. And that's great, but just remember to make space for new people to enter your life.
And remember; never take a friend for granted. Love a friend like you love family and support her/him no matter what. Through thick and thin. Sometimes you may argue about some stuff and it may seem like the end of your friendship, but try to hold on as long as it seems fair for you both. Hold on until it seems impossible to fix.
Some things can be fixed, some things can not. And that's what I am experiencing right now; the end of a three-year old friendship. It's devastating and she haunts me in every single dream. I dream of our good times and bad times, all the fun we've made and the shit we've been through. And I miss her. Oh fuck I miss her. But I know this will never be fixed, something's have to remain broken. I cannot have somebody messing up my schedule and my brain. I will not be taken for granted. I want to be loved for who I am and be worshiped for what I do. True, I love her and maybe one day I will ask her to be my friend again, but I'm not stable enough as it is right now.
Right now I will treasure what I have and keep my eyes and heart open for what is coming.

These days.

Sometimes I feel so sure about us and know everything is going to be alright. I know I will follow you through thick and thin, through laughter and tears.
But then there's these days, where I just want to be alone. Where I feel like kicking you out of my life and move on. Take a leap into the unknown. Because I know your little secrets, I can you feel you are hiding things from me. I've come to this point where I just have to be sure about everything, or else my life will fall to pieces. Come crashing down on me. You should be the one to trust. I shouldn't be doubting you, but you haven't given me a reason to believe in you.
It's these days that break me down. It's these days that ruin my entire week, and maybe one day I will get enough of it and disappear without a trace. Maybe that's the best thing to do. For both of us.
To be completely honest, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for us to finish, but neither am I ready for us to begin our life together. I'm young, only sixteen, and I shouldn't be bound to anyone. I want to love you, want to be yours, but still I want adventure. A life with risks instead of a life where it's all figured out and planned. I want to try everything that's worth trying. With you or not, well, I cannot say, but..

I need change. I need a reason to smile.

Gentle sparks of hope..

A lot of things has went wrong recently and I've been kinda depressed, though I've been with Mira. Still that hasn't been enough to make me smile - I feel like a complete asshole, I've been snarling at her like a little bitch and I feel so guilty. So tomorrow we're going to BonBonland with my younger sister, and I will make it up to her. I will make her fall in love with me all over again, cuz I can't stand the thought of losing her. Not again, not ever. So I'll forget all the complications and just be happy for one day. For Mira and my sister.

Confessions.

I have a confession to make;
When I look at happy people, see their smiles and hear their laughter, I envy them. I wish I could rip out their happiness and place it into my own heart. I want to be like them; forget the sorrow life brings and just live my life. Take one step at a time but I know, I cannot follow those rules. I have to keep everything scheduled or else my head will be a complete mess. My old friend messed with my schedule every time we made plans, and that's why we cannot talk anymore. Because I freaked out. She did not understand, and ouch, how that hurt. Sitting there and knowing you can't do anything, I cannot change myself, though I would do it for her. My very best friend for over four years. All that, wasted and spilled. Broken and smashed to the ground.
Yes.. I do miss her. I always try to do my very best but after all, I always get abandoned.
But I refuse to give up. I know, there is somebody out there, waiting for me. Maybe they'll love me for who I am? Time will show, right? I know I'm not a bad person; I'd rather die than hurt anyone. That's why I deserve happiness.

Oh shit...

I don't even know what to write. A lot of stuff has happened these days and it's all so overwhelming.


Losing a friend is never easy and I miss her like hell. My best friend for four years. I hung out with her every day and she was like the apple of my eye but because of a mess she created, I freaked out and then she freaked out because I freaked out and now we're here. Scattered and broken.
It feels like a bad breakup. I wish I could get her back but I know it wouldn't work out. Some things can't be fixed and I don't think me and her can neither, though I would give everything. But I'm so sensitive and she's spoiled. I just don't know... Maybe we just grew apart. That's common when getting older, right?
And the horse I used to ride is now sold.


Everything just seem so complicated and fucked up at the moment. I just want to forget and move on. I deserve to be happy. Everybody does.
Soon I'm going to the boarding school. A new start, a new beginning. I'm looking forward to it, but now I begin to feel the fear. What if they don't like me? If I end up lonely and hated. Then I would probably just leave and take home, even though my mom dislike me for it.


Fuck this shit...

This thing that breaks my heart.

Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship? I mean, I really love my girl with all my heart, but maybe I'm not emotionally stable enough? Sometimes I get these blackout's where I refuse to talk to her and I just throw my phone into the wall with anger with no fucking reason. It bothers me. I want her, I want her in my life. But sometimes I feel like we're not going anywhere. I want us to move, want us to move forward, hand in hand. Lips to lips.
I've been thinking about running away, taking the easy way out. I don't feel wanted. I feel unloved, miserable. It's like she doesn't want my body anymore. I need the intimacy between us, is it really that wrong?

But still.. I'm young, only 16. I've almost always been in a relationship. Never had a one night-stand. Never kissed a person for no reason. Just for love. Love. Fuck this love. I want to spend my life with a person I love, but if the person doesn't want me anymore, then what's the point in staying? I know she loves me but if she doesn't want my body, then I should just take my things and leave.

I'm so lost in this labyrinth of emotions, love and attraction.
This thing that breaks my heart. 

Pure disappointment.

Nine months

I can't believe we've been together for nine months now. Time is flying but still it feels like I've known you for a lifetime. I would never give that up.I will hold on, even if you beg me to let go. I would wrap my arms around you, tie you down and tell you 'Once you have my heart, you will have it forever'
The only unacceptable thing I wouldn't forgive, would be you cheating. I still don't trust you but somehow I know, deep inside, that you would never hurt me that way. Right? You wouldn't. At least, I hope so. A life without you is summer with no sun, a winter with no snow, a night without stars, lungs with no air. It would be awful. I could live, but I would be a complete mess. So I'd rather give up right away and call off my life.

It's horrible, feeling this way. Being this addicted to a girl who could break your heart in a minute. But isn't it what love is all about? Giving someone the possibility to break your heart, but hoping and trusting they won't? The most fucked up thing is; I don't. I don't trust you.
But maybe in time I will. Right now I just have to hang on and let you love me.

Is it okay?

I have this doubt, this insecurity. If you are in a relationship, would it be okay for me to be attracted to another girl? To look at a girl that's not my girlfriend and think 'Wow, I would totally bang her'
I mean, I really love my girlfriend, I really do, but does that mean I can't be attracted to a beautiful girl? It's human nature. One thing is being attracted to another, but acting on it? I would never. Never, ever in my life. I just don't know, should I tell her? I won't lie to her or keep secrets from her, like she did to me. That would be totally messed up. Right?

I'm turned on by that 'Oh-you-can't-have-me-attitude'. I like it, it's sexy. A bad girl, call it what you want to. The girl everybody wants. That's my type of girl. She was like that when I first met her and I never imagined her being mine this day today. I imagined myself running after her for a year or two and then find another victim for my love. But that's not how it ended up. She gave up the other girls and chose to be mine. She promised me forever and I gladly accepted it - Of course I did, I was crazy about her.
But we're stuck. Stuck in routines. Stuck in a relationship where everything has become boring. I want us to last, I really do, but there's nothing fun, nothing exciting. I want hot sex, on the floor, against the wall. I want that 'Fuck me' whispered in my ear. I need something I can't have.
I would never leave her. Never. She's the apple of my eye, my honeyboo - see, I would never call her things like that in the beginning. She would just be called 'the one I can never have'. But now she loves me and would give me the world. I know. She would die for me like I would die for her.

But I watch these tv-series. The L Word, Lip Service. There's these girls who just fucks every girl they lay their eyes on. They seduce them, they fucks them and leaves them. I don't know why but to me, that's so freakin' attractive and hot. I used to be this romantic girl, dreaming of spending forever with the girl of my dreams. But now it has changed. What's wrong with me? I want a girl who can rock my world and make me cum just by kissing me. Oh God.

Fuck this
I would never cheat. Never, and so will I never leave her or hurt her.
My love, my life, my beautiful girl. 

I'll go to bed now, fuck. 

Nineteen - Tegan & Sara

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you
And when I laid beside you for the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
I was nineteen
Call me

I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay it down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

Flew home
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset

I cooked up a plan
So good except I was all alone
You were all I had

Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right

I was nineteen
Call me
(Bye)

Butterflies and pink hearts.

Some people just don't deserve love. They deserve to be treated just like they treat other people and be left loveless and lonely on the street. Because they are worth nothing. I can't take it, watching others being treated like shit. It cuts my heart and hurts my soul. Animal or human, doesn't matter. I respect almost everybody - But those who hurt the ones I love, they better start running. It's something I cannot live with. Sometimes I sit there and think 'God, why are they even together? He/she deserves so much better!'
The best relationship is when the two are equal. Not that one-sided shit where just one of them work to make the relationship better or where one of them sacrifices everything. In a relationship, both have to sacrifice. Both have to work. The first time in a relationship seems so perfect and like everything is pink hearts and butterflies. But as time passes by, lies are exposed and the real truth shows. That's when the real work starts. I'm a living proof on that. Love is not just cuddling, kisses and romantic sex. It's also fights, tears and hard work. Jealousy. Let downs. Failure. But in the end, when they have each other, it's okay. They figure it out - together. As best friends, as a couple. They forgive almost everything, and that's how it should be. An unconditional love.
But one thing I've learned; Trust is important in a relationship. With no trust there will be no future. When first your partner has lied or deceived you once, that crack in the trust is really hard to fix. Just hiding something from your partner can ruin everything.
I've always dreamed of that fairytale-love. Big dresses, big smiles, but most important; the happily every after. The love and happiness that lasts forever. But it's just a big joke. Fairytales are made to make little kids believe in the impossible. It's not like that; that's not reality. The truth is; You find a girl, you fall in love, you seem so happy, until the day when something goes wrong. You try to fix it, but trouble keeps returning. So in the end, after a month, a year or even longer, you break up and you end up alone, hurting and heartbroken. She seems like the only one and you sit there, hopeless, waiting for her to return. But one day you realize, she's not coming back, so you try to move on. You drink, you smoke, you fuck a stranger, all that just to forget her. So a year after you find this other girl with suns shinning from her eyes and a smile that makes you melt. You fall in love again, you fight for her love, fight to win her heart - and yes, you may succeed, but in the end, it's just this evil, mean circle. You believe this time it's different - but it's not.
But I hope. With all my heart, with all we've been through, I hope. I want this to last. I don't believe in soulmates and 'the only one' - I believe in trust and forgiveness. So please, give me reason to trust you. Give me a reason to fight for us. I will stick around until the end of time, because no one has made me this happy before. You give me a reason to smile. You make me feel so loved and yes, you're a big asshole, but I can't let you go. Not now. Maybe one day when everything is lost, but I hold on because I know we can save this. We can save us. But I can't do it on my own. I need your help. So please..

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too, this love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Puppetmaster

Her own little puppet, making him dance, making him sing.

Controlling him as he were a little doll,
Come little puppet, she says, as she pulls the string

The perfect idea of a lover, and maybe a friend
The monster she were, the freak of nature
Come little puppet, she says, as he hopes for it to end.

But one day he'll get tired of her sick, little game
He'll hurl away the strings, ready to take aim
Goodbye little master, he said, 'cause the heart she couldn't tame.

I will never spare you a thought again.
I'm so disappointed that I got no words for it.
But yes. That's just the reality of being me; loving somebody more than they love you, 

Okay..

I actually feel better now. Yes we were fighting, but I told him what I meant and said that I would be waiting. I needed him to know that. I know, I know, I'm wasting my time, because she is holding him back and he loves her more than his own life. He won't let her down, he won't go against her. That's okay. My previous relationship were like that so I know how it feels.
But the hole in my chest has grown smaller. It's like I can breathe somehow normal now. I'm pissed off, but somehow, someway, I'm kind of happy. Is that wrong? .. Just writing with him made my heart sing.
I miss him, but I can wait. I will be waiting for him with my arms wide open.

What we used to be

Even though you've said so many harsh, unforgivable words, I still want you back in my life.
I know I can't forget, but I'm yearning, longning, for what we used to have.
A relationship with no limits. We talked about everything that mattered, and things that had no meaning at all.
I supported you, cried when I knew you were hurting. I did nothing but being your friend.
So why do we fight? I don't want to. Never wanted to. I just wanted your attention. I wanted you to notice me. Yell at me, scream at me, that's alright, because it's better than being ignored.
.. I would do anything. 

I can now tell the truth; I'm over it. I'm over him and his bullshit for real.

You are one sick bastard.

I never thought I should say this about him, but seriously, with all my heart? I hate him. I hate him so incredibly much. 

Even the coldest, most hurtful answer is better than no answer at all.

And.. I'm actually happy.
You took your time to write me a message. You bothered. That must mean I still matter to you, right?
But now I will move on. I won't look back. After all, I've thought about it; I wouldn't be able to take you back anyway. It would be impossible, when you have so many hurtful words and left me in the most miserable time of my life. So yes. I won't look back. Never again. I have other friends; friends who cares. Somebody with hearts.

Just a thought..

I'll let go of what you did.
I will forgive you.
But I will never forget.
And because of that, I will never never fully trust you.
And I'm asking myself; Is that ok?
Okay, okay, ok.

I'll move on.
Though my heart is broken.
I still want you.
And because of that, I'm bound to you.
And I think to myself; Is that ok?
Okay, okay, ok.

I will learn. So do you.
You will fight. So will you.
And I will move on, let go and open my eyes.
To what I have.
And is that okay?
Okay, okay, ok. 

Being drunk = Being alive.

It's the first time in a long time I've felt this alive. This night I was unstoppable. None of all the things that usually breaks me down, could stop me. I didn't feel, I didn't even think, and it's the best feeling ever. Drinking. Laughing. Being happy. I didn't care about what happened or how it would end. I didn't care about friends, family or my girlfriend. The only thing that mattered was having a good time - and so I had.
Nevertheless; I will not drink like that again. I enjoyed it too much and I had this feeling, that if I could feel like that forever, then I would do it. That's called being an alcoholic, and I won't let that happen to me. Not like it did with my mom and  my dad. And this hangover - Woah, I've never been so sick in my whole life.
But yes. This night I was happy. This night I lived. This night I felt alive.

.. Now it's time to get serious. Time for the exams. Wow. Time has gone so fast. I can't believe it, I'm soon starting a new life at the boarding school and afterwards I'll move out. Move in with my girlfriend, if we're still together at that time. It would be like a dream come true. Falling asleep every night, listening to her heartbeat, knowing she'll be there to hold me when the nightmares returns. Waking every morning, being able to kiss her good morning. I would be the happiest person on Earth, I guess. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it'll work out. Those lies. I have this feeling that it will continue. That is an addiction of hers.
But when she lies again. When she breaks my heart again; I won't be sticking around. 

We define ourselves in love
because love defines us
how we give it away or take it
makes us the people we are

rough people take and give love
leaving ugly, mutual bruises
fearful people give and take love
always worried about the consequences
scorned people give and take love
with the ghosts of the past riding shotgun
broken people give and take love
only in ragged, shattered fragments
gentle people take and give love
leaving delicate trails of tears, good and sad
young people give and take love
with reckless, exuberant abandon
old people give and take love
with hearts that cherish and respect what it is

we define ourselves in love
because love is the commonality
the weightless joy and heavy burden
the reason we live this life

Doubt..

Forever.
Forever is a very, very long time. But I guess I would spend it with you. If you could stop lying. If you told me the truth, instead of keeping it away from me. The truth is; I want to know everything about you. Every little thing you've been through. I wouldn't run. It's past, and you are mine now. And that's good, right? Pretty good.
I just.. I'm not sure. I really, truly love you. I could imagine myself moving in with you, making our own home, as we fight to make money even though we still have our educations. One day, adopt a child or two, or I would get inseminated. Maybe marry you? .. I would risk anything, everything, to be with you. But.. I wouldn't risk a heartbreak. Not again. Not ever again. I can't see through with the lies. I can't accept it.
,, You fooled me again, you fooled me again, with your honest, honest, honest eyes"
So please... Stop. Stop, while I'm still here. 'Cause one day, one day I'll break down. I'm on my way to the edge. No one can push me down. No one but you. So don't. My heart would break into a thousand pieces and this time, time doesn't heal. 

But it's time to face the truth;
I do not think I can stay with you.

Getting better

I've made a promise to myself; 
I can only be sad/depressed for an hour a day. After that hour, I have to push all the sad and miserable thoughts away, smile and move on. I hope it is going to help, because this emptiness is making me crazy. So I'm working on the case, and neither am I allowed to post too many depressing pictures and quotes on Tumblr, and why? Because they are one of the reasons why I stay gloomy.

But.. I can actually see a future right now. My chances of getting in on that boarding school are pretty high and my relationship are better than ever. For a change, she's making me happy instead of disappointing me all the time. She's one of my reasons to be happy.

7 reasons to smile;

• I'm breathing.
• Every second there is born another beautiful child.
• I have my girlfriend.
• I have a family.
• I have food to eat and roof over my head.
• My exams are soon over.
• My girlfriend has a Playstation 3..
  Ahahah, omg..
  

/Out for now

I'm moving on. With or without you, life goes on, and I will never write a post about you never, ever again.

What's lost can never be found

I read that guy's blog. I read his girlfriends. I write to him on facebook. He blocks me. I find myself crying in misery. I'm longing for his voice, for his text messages in the morning. And I can't deal with it anymore. I miss him so insanely much. Why does his girlfriend hate me, I don't get it. I was once in love with him, but that was never nothing serious. I haven't even kissed him or touched in any romantic way, so why does she loathe me that much? But what I know; I would do anything, everything, to get him back in my life.
.. I feel so unloved. To choose a girlfriend over one of his best buddies. Woah. I can't.. I can't even.. I wouldn't choose like that. I would tell the girlfriend to fuck off, if she made me choose between her and a friend, because that's not even fair. I just love that guy. Not like I'm in love, but we've been through so much together, and.. For the latest three years, he has been a big part of my life.
So ... Dear old friend, if you ever read this... Please, consider taking me back. Let me be your friend again. I swear, I would.. I would never hurt you.
.. But I guess I don't mean a thing for you, despite everything I've done for you. It's okay. It's not like I'm not used to it. But I will go on. I have my beautiful girl, I have my family and yes.. All those friends who actually care ♥

So hard, so rare.

When I look at my blog, every post in it, is depressing. Why's that? Because every time I feel the slightest bit of happiness, something goes wrong and I end up crying because I deserved to be happy for just one single day. But I don't. I'm happy in her arms. I don't lie, it's the truth. I'm happy with her.
But she never takes initiative to do anything. If it were up to her, we could stare into the wall the entire day. I can't do that, I love to make memories, because the time we have together is very precious to me.
I talked to her about it. Told her how uncomfortable it makes me when I have to make every decision in our relationship and how I think she should think about how I feel. I hate making decisions; just picking what clothes to wear, can leave me crying on the bed. She said she understood and that she would think about it in the future.
I hope she will.

What I wouldn't give to be androgynous..

Oh..

I want a relationship like those girls on Tumblr. One of those lesbian relationships where they take pictures of each other hugging, and kissing and stuff. I want that. 
I need that. I need a healthy relationship where I smile and have fun. Not crying and being depressed, and somehow I know it's my own fault for not forgetting the past. But how could I? How is that even impossible when you love a person so much, how would you forget her kissing with another girl? I wish it could stay in the past, but they still talk, they are still friends. And here I am, scared to death of the day when she tells me that she cheated on me - Oh no, wait, she wouldn't tell; one of our common friends would. 
She never takes initiative to anything. We just watch movies, play computer and boring stuff. It's always me asking 'Hey, wanna go to the movies?' and always me taking the first step in the night, when I want to .. You know. Never her. I feel so unwanted and so alone, it hurts, and it burns. 
I love her so much and I wish it could be me and her forever, but somehow, deep in my heart, I know that's now going to happen, because she won't change. She won't make it up to me for her mistakes. 

When am I allowed to be happy? Just for once.

She said that I should forget the past and move on. But there's so many questions, so many unsaid words, and I don't get it. How could she kiss her, when she f*cked me and told me she loved me? How could she say the same thing to her? Did I mean anything to her six months ago, or was I just another piece in her stupid game?
But the more she hurt me, the more I fall in love and I hold on even tighter. Why can't I just let go of her? She captured my heart the second I saw you, and now.. Now she has become my world. A world that messes me up and destroys everything I liked about myself. I liked how strongly I can love, but now it's just another one of my weaknesses. I used to like when I smiled, but now I know that the smiles I force on my lips, just are fake. Just as fake as me when I say that she makes me the happiest person in the world; My first lie to her. Because no, she don't make me happy. She should. She did. But not anymore.

Sometimes I wish that this love just would fade away.
But yet.. Then I would be lonely again.

I've become so fucked up.
Now I wonder if it would help to kiss another girl, so we would be equal. She kissed another girl and I'm allowed to do the same. Maybe that would ease my pain? Or would I just feel guilty and like a bad person? I'm not. I'm not a bad person, and I won't let her turn me into something I'm not. But.. I wish the misery would fade away and let me smile with all my heart.
Just for once..

Dance in the dark

Walking, wandering,
Running, hiding,
But I just can't seem to find the way out of this.
Out of the pain, the tears,
The helplessness, the regret,
And I would do anything if I just could forget
The past, the future,
The misery and the failure.
I want you in my life. Want your smile, your touch, your embrace, but it's so hard for me to look away from what you did. How you treated me, how you've had broken my heart several times before. Every night I watch you kiss her in my nightmares. I watch you write those things, and see how she smiles 'cause of your reply. It makes me sick. Lovesick. It makes my heart ache.

I honestly don't know if I can forgive you for what you did. How could you lie to me? How could you even think about it? You destroyed all that trust I had in you. I wouldn't doubt once if you told me something. But that's over now. What I used to think was a dream come true, is now a living nightmare, and I can't wake up. But.. I want it. I want to live in this nightmare if that means I can stay in your arms.

No matter how much you hurt me, or how you break my heart, it doesn't change my love for you.
And I hate it. I hate that I'm addicted to you. But I guess I just have to live with it. Hope for the best but fear the worst. I wish you could be mine. Forever, but.. I also wish for my pain to go away -You are the one hurting me.

If just I could turn back time, so I could prevent it from happening. But I know, it's not my fault.
I have to learn to live in the dark. How to smile in it, how to dance in it. Because pain will always exist in my life, nothing can change that. She will hurt me. She will betray me. So will my family. The only one I really can trust, is myself.

,, I want to live, not just survive"

How could you do this to me, How could you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile, Because you make it hard to breathe. 

Mira. Seriously.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with us, and why are you doing this to me? I always knew that you were the flirty-type, but never that you wouldn't admit it. Even when I tell you that I saw you write that stuff to that guy, you just reject me right away. You won't admit it, you say that it's my fault, that I'm overreacting - you won't even say you are sorry. What is wrong with you?
Don't I mean anything to you? What went wrong? Where's the trust, where's the happiness that is supposed to be in a relationship. No happiness, no smiles, just struggling to keep us together. And the hard part is; I'm the only one holding on. I try to fix it, but your pride is too important. You actually chose your pride over me.
And ouch. How the hell could you ever think about doing that? One thing is that you flirt all the time, another thing is you won't admit it and just keep denying it. My friends says its flirting and it's wrong of you, so why can't you see that you are wrong?
.. I just wanted you to apologize.
But I guess it's over now.
It's over now and nothing will be as it used to.

I'm single now. Left and broken with no place to feel safe. You were my greatest support; my only support. But you let me down and now I sit here, all by myself, bursting into tears every time I hear a song we used to listen to together. I can't believe how much I love you and I never wanted it to end this way. But I'm not strong enough. I'm so disappointed, Mira. I loved you, still do, but.. How? Why did you choose to break my heart into tiny, little pieces? I've never ever done one fucking single thing and still, we were only together for six months and one those months, you destructed my heart. You tore it apart, beat it, kicked it and left it alone without bothering to fix it again.

The trust we once had, will never be what it used to.

.. "I can't take her,"

I listened to one of my dads conversations with my mom. He thought I listened to music, because I had my headset on. But I heard every word he said, and wow.. I never thought I could feel this unloved. 

"I can't take her, "

"She's fucking dumb,"

"She messes up my life"

- If your own dad doesn't even love you, then who does? Seriously? I've never felt this let down before.How can you say stuff like that about your own daughter? I am so hurt and tomorrow I'm going to sleep at my mom's house. Let's see if that's better. I'm not quite sure, but at least she's not drunk as he is all the time.

And yes.. This evening there is no dinner. Again.

I have tried to behave and treat him well, but.. I guess that's not enough for him. I do the dishes, I clean up, I say that it's okay when he's drinking, I listen to him and his drunk-talk. But nothing is good enough.

I just want a life that's better than this.

I have not deserved this. I know I'm better off without my family, and one day I'll leave this fucking place. I'll get a career and laugh them all in the face and say 'Haha, and you always made fun of me and said that I had no future!'

- And even if I fall into the alcohol and becomes fucked up like you, then my excuse is;

"My parents made me who I am"

Living in a family of alcoholics

I grew up with alcohol. When my mom carried me in her tummy, she drank and smoked. She drank every day, and so did my dad. When I was born, they still drank. When I turned 5, they still drank. They beat each other, they cried, they drank a little more, they had sex. I tried to take care of my younger sister, but do you have no idea how hard that was? She was so young, and so was I. I remember one episode, when dad tried to hit mom because he was so fucking drunk, and then I threw my plastic-car at him. I don't know, I just feel like crying every time I think back on it.
But then my grandpa died. That made my mom realize that she should quit drinking, and when I turned 10, she was 'clean', and she hasn't touched alcohol since. 6 years, is it now.I'm actually a little proud of her, even though I don't think she has changed. She's still the same, with mood-swings and such. That's because of her depression. She's taking pills because of it and I have no idea how she'd be like it she didn't.
But as you know, I moved in with my dad.
It's a fucking living hell that keeps on repeating. I get home from school, he tries to be a good dad, he gives up, he goes to the bar, drink until he gets drunk, comes home, then he yells at me and tells me to move away, I yell at him and tells him to shut the fuck up, and he just goes to bed.
And I know.. I can't live like this. I have to get away, because this is a freaking nightmare, that I can't wake up from. Of course I love my dad more than anything in the world, but I can't live with him, and I can't live with my mom neither. My psychiatrist hasn't contacted me in a month and neither have my caseworker. They were supposed to get me out of here, but they just sit on their fat asses as I live here and gets more and more fucked up with every days that goes by.
He yelled at me I shouldn't visit my girlfriend next weekend. I screamed that he should shut up and just go to sleep already. And after yelled at me, he lay down in this bed and fell asleep.

I can't go on like this.
What am I supposed to do?

I wonder how we can survive this romance

But in the end if I'm with you,

I'll take the chance 

I could never say..

I could never say how much you hurt me. You broke my heart so badly, and I don't know if we can fix this, and I don't even know if I want to. What you did to me, how you lied to me. I.. I have no words for this.
But I'll try to tell that happened;
I was checking my girlfriend's facebook like she said I was allowed to, to check her game. But then this chat suddenly popped up. It was from 'that girl'. That girl that Mira kissed back then when we were already dating, when she had told me she loved me. And I was over that; until now.
I tried to click out of the chat but then it scrolled up instead, I have no idea how, and then I read this message. Mira had told 'that girl' she loved her, and that her lips tasted good when they kissed, and.. Mira told the girl that she wanted to do sexual things to her.
What she told me was that 'that girl' kissed her and that she tried to stop her, but... Yes, another lie and now I lay here, broken and filled up with misery. How could she do this? How... I know it's been since month, but those bricks our relationship were build on, were made of lies, made of tears, and now it's falling apart.

But tomorrow we'll talk this out.
Don't know what to say or what to do, but.. Yea, should I even forgive you?
.. I just don't know how my heart could be fixed this time.

And suddenly my heart stopped beating

Stuck on loving you..

I doubt that..

Sometimes I regret I even met you. Sometimes I regret I ever wrote to you for the first time. I shouldn't have, because then I wouldn't feel this way. Betrayed, doubting and miserably in love with you. It's been nearly six months since we got together but I can't forget what happened, what you did to me. And every night, every fucking night I have nightmares about you being with someone else. I watch you kiss her lips, touch her body, every fucking night and I can't deal with this anymore. I wake up crying and feel like leaving every morning.
The worst part is; I would regret. If I ever left you, I would beg you to come back. To forgive me, and we would end up together again. And then again I would leave you and it would go on this circle of sorrow.
I wish I could trust you, but every time you touch me, I think; "She touch her with this hand," and on the inside I break into pieces. But I pretend like I don't even think about it anymore.
The truth is; it is haunting me. 

I want you to love me, I want you to care.
I want you to need me, I want you to want me.
I want to make you smile, and I want to make you mine.
But with every breath I take, with every word you say,
I know I can't go on,
Can't live with or without you another day. 

Why is the girl of my dreams the one who has to break my heart into shattered glass?
But she got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.

A dear old friend

 

We've been through so much you and me. Through hard times, sad times, bad times, we always stuck together. But you ended our journey on a few minutes because of your girlfriends jealousy. Because you wanted her to be happy. It's not that I don't understand, she's a lovely girl, but .. I supported you, stayed up all night just to talk to you even though I had to go to school the next morning, so I can't help but being hurt because of your choice.
When my ex-girlfriend dumped me, you were there for me. You prevented me from falling, you kept me on my feet. And so quickly my friendly feelings for you, turned into a crush. It lasted a few months and I told you, I promised, that I wouldn't try to steal you away from your girlfriend; I would never even think about doing that, because I knew she made you happy.
After a few months, I gave up. I knew I could never be yours. I told you that we should stop talking, and you agreed. You were afraid of what your girlfriend what say, and I understood. So we stopped talking. And then again, I fell in love with the most beautiful girl, Mira. I fell head over heels for her and I forgot everything about you. Now you were just an old friend. So I began to talk to your girlfriend, explained.
And soon I wrote you a message. Said how sorry I was for leaving you, but I knew it was the best thing for the three of us. And so I tried to make it up to you, tried to make it as good as it once were. I thought we got over it, thought you trusted me. I did everything for you, Kiba. I gave you my all to make you happy. But it wasn't good enough.
Cause a month ago, you left me. In the middle of my hardest time, you wrote me a message where you told me that we should stop talking. I tried to talk you from it, tried to hold on. But you wouldn't stay.
Do you have no idea how you broke my heart that evening? Do you know how much I cried? I love you; not because I have feelings for you, but because I need you in my life; as my friend.

But still.. I could never hate you. Never.
I want you back in my life and I'll wait. I'll wait forever. I'll let your girlfriend get over it, let her accept me. Because I accepted her, I even saw her as a dear friend. But that was all just a facade. But.. Yes, somehow I understand. I know how it feels, being jealous. And that's why I tried to help her.

Tonight I had this dream. About you, about your girlfriend. How I said I'm sorry to her, how I asked her to forgive me. She cried and I hugged her to make her feel better. And then you thanked me. Thanked me for making it okay..
I woke up crying. Cried because I wanted it to be true.
Kiba.. I would do anything for you. We've left each other, but someway, I still think that we'll end up together again. And if that ever happens, then I will never let you go.

I just hope you and her will forgive me someday.
I want you both in my life.
Because I care.

.. I just had to get it off my chest.

Just waiting..

I'm just waiting. Waiting is all I can do. I try to stay positive, try to think clear, but with every day that goes by it get's harder and harder. My dad suggested that he'd rent a bigger apartment and we could move in there. Him and me. But how would it be possible for me to live with someone who is drunk everyday? Just staying with him for a few months make me go insane. Shit..

And now I'm the one who can't be trusted? 

My heart is aching. Long for spreading my wings and just disappear. Away from him, away from her. All of them. I wouldn't mind being alone, just for a week or two.

To find myself. To miss again

I hate loving you

I hate this !
I hate you !
.. And I can't go on like this anymore. 

I'm screaming, crying, fighting, so I won't fall. I won't let myself break down, I won't let my mom have the pleasure to see me cry. Never. But she text me everyday, ask me how I am, what I'm doing and things like that. Small-talk. I have no idea why, but I can't help but hoping she's realizing what she has done. How she has broken her own child. But somehow, someway, I know that she doesn't give a shit. She never has, so why should she begin to care now?

The worst part is that my girlfriend doesn't understand. She's not supporting me, she's just making me crash harder when she begins to act negative and fight against me. I just need her to care. The only thing I want right now is for her to hold on to me. I'm pushing her away, yes, but that's why she should hold on to me. Hug me tighter, love me more. But that's just not happening. And that's just devastating.
It's ok that she don't understand, because she has never been through anything like this, but she could at least support me and be my rock. But she's just fading more and more away and now I doubt her love for me.

If she loved me, then why is she doing this?

Why is it so difficult for her to listen to me? 

Earlier today I told her that I cried. You know what she answered?
"Haha, calm down xD"
And I was, like, what the fuck? That's not something to say to someone who's crying. And I have to admit that I am starting to consider if I am better off without her. I love her, I love her so insanely much but this is driving me crazy. All those fights, all those tears. I want her in my life and I want to fight for her love, but.. I can't right now. I'm going through so much and she should be the one holding on and fighting for me.
The funny part is; the only one who cares is my ex-girlfriend.

I'm asking you two things; 
Fight and hold on.
If you don't, then you'll see me walk away very soon.
Because every day you break my heart.

If at least they say that I am mentally unstable, I got an excuse for being like I am.

Those small things..

It's those little things that makes a difference. It can be a tiny thing, such as a smile that saves somebody's day, but it can also be you yelling at somebody, that makes them sad the rest of the week.
To me, little things that someone sees as nothing, is a big deal to me. Let me explain;
Today I went home from my girlfriend. I sat into the train, but when I looked out of the window, she wasn't there. And I was, like, 'did she just leave?' Like, without waving or blowing a kiss? That just ruined this day. I know, I know, I'm putting too much into it, but still... Such a little thing makes me think that she doesn't love me; that she's avoiding me. Slowly fading away.
Some may say that I feel too much, but isn't it better than not feeling anything at all? 'Cause I think so. I'd rather be an a emotional wreck than a heartless bitch.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my dads apartment. He's snoring like hell and I can't concentrate about anything. He's trying to make me put away my phone at 11. PM, and that's not going to happen. He says I'm lazy, just sitting by my computer all day, but what the hell am I supposed to do!? There's nothing else exciting in this town, my god!
Earlier today he tried to make me come from my girlfriends place Saturday instead of Sunday. I freaked out and yelled at him, and then he said nothing but 'Ok' and left. I was so mad, but I think he won't try to talk me into that again. At least I hope so.

You've taken everything away from me now, so don't you dare taking her, too !

- I swear, I'll make you regret you ever was born.

Sometimes I wonder why everything falls apart. Why me, why do I have to suffer this way? I don't know what I've done to make my life such a mess. 

Feel like throwing it all away

I'm out of control and this is just getting too much. I want to smile and say, "Hey guys, I'm ok," but in reality, I'm broken. In the real world, I have no family left, but a drunk dad which I have to visit tomorrow. My own sister won't even write me a fucking textmessage? Do you know how fucking unbearable hard that is?

And knowing that you can't trust the only one you actually have to trust; your partner.

I want her in my life. Forever. But that's just not a possibility. You know why? Because I'm freaking out. Because I know I'll never trust her! I don't know if I'm overreacting, or overemotional, or do I have a reason? I wanna put it all behind me, look at it as if it's the past. But it's not.

It's my past, my present and my future. 

Oh mother of God, I hate this! I love her, and my heart tells me to stay. But my head is screaming "Run away!"
.. I can't. I won't. But this is truly killing me..

Jealousy and love are sisters.

I don't know why but with every day that goes by, I get more jealous. It's sneaking and creeping up on me and and I can't take control over it. I can't put it in a box and say "Fuck that!" because if I did, then it would suddenly just pop back out and destroy me more than the first time.

I know I know, with love comes jealousy, but is this natural? I tend to be overemotional and feel to much of everything, but still.. Is this is a sign that I don't trust her? She has broken my trust more than once, not like she cheated or anything, but.. I just wanna cry.


Before we got together, we already had something. We flirted, we kissed. But one day our mutual told me, that she heard some rumors. She bad been seen with her friends, and one of them, she held in the hand and actually kissed more than just one time. I was on the fucking limit to just leave it all, but.. I truly loved her.

I held on, even though I didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I cried and cried, and cried, and yes. I told her that I didn't wanted to talk to her anymore, because, she broke my heart, someway, you know? But this time, somebody held on to me. She told me to stay, she said she loved me.

Is that why? Is that why I'm so afraid of losing her?
So afraid of being hurt again? 

But I just have to hang on. After all, she's the one I love. I'm serious when I say that I want to trust her, but it's just so hard when she did that to me? Am I overreacting once again? Nothing new about that anyway.

Just knowing that she's hanging out with her goddamn pretty girlfriend, makes me want to throw it all on the ground. It's been five months since she fucked that thing up, but actually, she did one more thing.

We have a mutual friend. A friend, which I love so much. We both love her, and we're hanging out together sometimes. It's great, but.. Let's call her 'Bella'
Me and Bella were texting and we talk about relationships and sex. I ask her if she had sex before, and who? She won't tell me in the beginning, but somehow I manage to get it out of her. And yes, Mira and her had been sleeping together. And I'm like.. "Why has no one told me that?" .. We had a relationship for three fucking months, and no one told me!? .. I know it was before me and Mira got together, but still.. It's not okay, or am I just messed up? .. They should've told me, I think.

I freaked out. I messed up, and broke up with Mira. I couldn't deal with it. Just before Christmas, just amazing. You have no idea how mad and hurt I was. But after a couple of days, I pulled myself together. We got back together again, even though I hated her. I hated both of them.

.. Of course I did not hate them, but.. Ouch, my heart. 

Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know. 

I just have to be strong, you know? I'm the one who's fucked up after all.

Keep going

Shutting it all out, trying to live my life without having to think too much about my existence, just to keep it all a little more simple. But everything is just running through my head, coming from all sides, trying to break me down. And that's exactly why I'm still standing. My goddamn stubbornness won't let me fall apart.
I don't know if it's good or bad, 'cause somehow, someway, I just want to lay down and cry. Quit being the strong person I always show on the outside. But hell no. I won't. Never. I won't let it bring me down, not anymore. I'm keeping myself together, in a way, and I'm still smiling. No more tears, and no more lies!
From this evening I will be able to say "I'm okay," without lying people straight in the face. Because you know what? The world does not stop turning just because my mom threw me out, and the sun won't stop shinning just because my sister hates me more than anything. No, of course not.

I have a lot of awesome friends, and a lot of people who will be there to guide me through my darkest times. And that's why I keep going through hell!

Moving out.

It happened, as I feared. My mom and I just can't harmonize with each other. We discuss all the time and it's just getting worse day by day. A week ago I couldn't take it anymore, after she called me some nasty things. So I told her that I would never come back. I packed my stuff, some clothes and makeup, and then I left.
I'm feeling so loved at my girlfriend's house. Her mom and Mira actually wants me there. It feels like that, I must admit. At home the feeling of being unwanted and ignored grew bigger, and I gave up.
So I've been with her for a week. I didn't went to school, because she lives too far away, but at least only for a week. On Thursday I have a meeting with my caseworker, so we can find out what we can do about this problem. I know my mom can't take it, and neither can I. So this is the best decision for both of us.
So I'm moving out. Don't know where or how, but I move out. From today on I'm at a friends place, until the meeting. Cosy! Then I can go to school, too, which is great.

Living with my mom has never been easy, and once I was placed into a foster family. I liked it there, but the municipality wanted to control everything -sigh- But I love her. Of course I do, she's my mom, but I can't live with the way she treats me. It's not okay and as the years has passed by, I don't feel like she's my mom anymore. It's hard, and my dad don't help me either. You see, he's an alcoholic.

But.. I hope things will fall into place when I get my own place with a little help from the municipality. I want to move out so badly, but after the summer-break, after I've graduated from primary school, I'm going to a boarding school. It's so confusing.

My life is falling apart, but... I will be alright. I survive with help from my precious girlfriend and my friends.

Stay strong..

I see no future anymore, just another breakdown, just another tear-burst. I try to stay positive, I try to smile so no one asks me "Are you ok?" 'Cause I hate to lie. 
My family is the main problem. When I go into my room after an hour with them, I just break into a thousand pieces. I jump into my bed and stay there all day. Until next morning when I have to go to school. 
And I never thought I would say this, but being in school is liking being in heaven. The only thing I have to worry about, is my friends and my grades. It's, like, nothing. It's so relaxing. 
Six months and then I'm going to Boarding School and only have to visit my Mom and sister two times on a month. I'm looking forward to it, actually it's why I try to stay strong right now. Everything will be so much better. My life will change, and I will try to be a much more stable person. I will give it my all.
So please.. Let those six months pass quickly.. 

Exploding with emotions..

Keeping it all inside until I break down.
Piling it up, emotion on emotion, thought on thought until I end up crying, shaking and hurting.
And I just want to lay down, let it all out, but I just can't. It won't help, nothing will help.
You know what kills me? This helplessness that just tears me apart. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do. I can smile and say 'I'm alright,' and I know that's the biggest lie in this fucking world.
But I don't want you to care. I don't want anyone to care.
.. There goes another lie.

Fuck this..
Friends are leaving me, they don't even care enough to write me a fucking message. I would give anything to care less, to just say 'fuck them', but I .. I actually love them. I want them to worry, even though it's hard to admit.

I just want to be loved, though I'm emotionally unstable.
I just want them to want to help me.

This fear, this loneliness..
All these tears..

I just want to put it all behind me, and go on with a smile, but.. What if that's not possible?
What if I'm forced to break down because of my own sorrow?

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about it? Maybe I should tell my mom?
For christ's sake, I've done those things, but did it work? No, it didn't. None of them care. No one does. I even doubt my girlfriend does. I just.. I just want to feel less, think less and that way, cry less. 

Playing with my past

Here the other day on Facebook, I typed my ex-girlfriends name. Just her first name, and then.. There she was. Her name and even her face.
I thought to myself That must be a mistake, because she blocked me when we broke up, for about 10 months ago. But then she suddenly appeared. I was i shock, to be honest, I had no idea what to do. So I ignored it.
For the first time in, like, a half year, I logged on Myspace, to check if anyone had written to me.
And then she was there again. She had commented my picture.
"I miss you.."Was her exact words. To tell the truth, I was startled. Scared. So my answer to that, was;
"But I don't miss you,"
However, that's a lie. I mean I don't miss being in a relationship. How could I ever miss being heartbroken every day, but.. I missed her as my friend. Like.. Like, when I broke up with her, a little, tiny piece of my heart, went with her. Out of my life. And I want that piece back.

Don't get me wrong, I have a girlfriend, who I love more than anything in the world, seriously.
But still.. You can continue to have a friendship with your ex-girlfriend, if you both act a little grown-up, right? Just with friendly feelings, and no more.

So then, the same evening, I wrote her a longer message on Facebook, where I said that I was a little confused, and why she wrote things like that - Even when she's in a relationship, too.
She said that she had broke up with her boyfriend, and I'm like "So what?"

But we continued talking, and we are actually getting along very well, which is a big surprise to me. I feared that we would almost kill each other virtually.
I'm hoping for a future where I can talk with her, but I won't get my hopes too high, 'cause then I eventually would end up being disappointed, and I won't let that happen to me.

This is my heart, after all. It's no one's toy.

But now we got each other's number, and we're talking about everything - everything, but our former relationship. And actually, I like it that way.

The loss of my best friend..

Thursday the 16th I lost my best friend, my cat. But to me she was never just a cat, she was the one who always made me smile and always made me think clear. When I stroke her fur and kissed her on the top of her head, I could feel the happiness running through my veins. She truly was the best pet I've ever had.
And I miss her, I really do. Being here in my room, and knowing that she'll never come home again, it hurts. It's like a piece of me is missing, and I know, I will never be whole again, never complete.
You should be here, here in my arms, where I could cuddle you against my chest. We were happy together, you and me. To me you were not just a cat, you were my great support.
And here I am; alone. Without you. Shit... I can't see the light anymore. I need you.
But I have to face the truth, though it breaks my heart. You will never come back.
The only thing that can bring a smile to my face now, is that you're probably looking down from Cat-Heaven, watching me. Now you're a beautiful angel. My guardian angel, and you're not alone, 'cause Mizuki, you're sister is in Heaven, too.
I will never forget you. You still are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
- May you rest in peace, Amaya. Goodbye.

When I'm with you..

When I'm with you, time stands still. The world could disappear right in front of me, but I wouldn't notice. And what does the future matter, when I have you? I feel so secure, so safe and so endlessly happy in your arms.
Everything I need is you, and that's the truth.

Who needs the world when I got you?

If I had one wish, then it sincerely would be, to be yours forever.

 

"She's not that bad looking,"

That's all I want to hear from the people close to me say. Not that I'm pretty, perfect, or gorgeous, just that I'm okay, judging by the looks. When I was younger, I always told myself that I didn't care if people hated me. But of course that was a stupid lie. Today it means a lot to me when other compliment me, my clothes, hair or even my make-up, but I always reply by saying "Nah, not really, but thanks"

But deep inside my mind, I'm melting. It just makes my day when someone praise me. It makes my self-esteem so much better, at least for a day or two.

It's not because I want to be popular, I just want people to respect me for who I am. But what's most significant right now, is that I want to be able to look in the mirror without self-destructive thoughts. But every time I look at myself, I think; How can anyone be so unattractive?

And it's really hurtful when I think such things about myself. I hurt myself, and I destroy my own self-esteem. But that's what I've always done, so it's so difficult to change. A habit, a very bad one.

So freakin' happy!

She text me! She sent me a fucking message where she wrote that she missed me and loved me, omg!

 I think I might be the happiest girl in the world right now. No words can describe my happiness right now. Just.. Thank you. I'm so glad and grateful, you just made my life so much brighter.
And thanks to my gorgeous girlfriend who decided to talk to her. She convinced her to text me. Omg. I think I might burst in tears of happiness - No wait, I already did.
Omg!

My future..

At the moment I find it difficult to believe in the future. I don't know what education I should get and I don't know if my grades are good enough for that one I have thought about. That's why I decided to go on 'efterskole', so I can have some time to think and decide. My biggest fear is wasting time.
I just want to live a good life. A better life than the one my mom lives with no money.
So many possibilities and options, don't know which one to choose. Am I good enough?

Best friends stick together and never say goodbye.

.. I wish that was true. You were my best friend, the only one who really knew my every thought, my every feeling. And yet I ended up with my heart broken. I trusted you, I really did, that's why it really shocked me. I would've done anything for you, and the sad part is that I still will.
Yes I overreacted but you didn't even said 'I'm sorry', and that's what hurts the most. You didn't even take your time to find a new arrangement with me.
But still I miss you more and more every day. Today I wrote to you as 'anonymous' on Tumblr, told you that I loved you. Fuck, this sucks so much. It's driving me insane and seriously, I never thought I could feel this strongly about a friend. My girlfriend say you ask about my well-being and that you also miss me. So for Christ's sake, why don't you text me!?
Every day I listen to our song and with every word Robbie Williams sing, I hear your voice instead of his. It kills me.
But I have to be positive and look at the bright side of life. I have my adorable girlfriend, my cat and my other friends. At least I can trust them ♥

I can't wait anymore..

I've waited so long for you to text me. Every time I get a message, I hope it's you, but every time I get disappointed. Why don't you write me, why don't you quit your insecurity. Do I really mean so little to you, that you don't even want to swallow your own pride for me? It hurts me, because I need you.
I know I was the one who ended our friendship, but you really broke my heart by not coming to my birthday. I scheduled it that day, just for you, and then you just cancel. Wow, I have no words for that pain. But it's okay.. As long as you'll one day come back.
But I miss you. I miss you so terribly and I need you. It sounds like I'm fucking in love or something, but that's not it. You just mean so much to me, you was such a dear friend to me.
I always say that there's four sections of my heart; My girlfriend, my family, my friends and then you. Yes. You got your own section in my heart, your own piece, and when that piece got ripped out... Ouch.

I just love you.. That's all