Being drunk = Being alive.

It's the first time in a long time I've felt this alive. This night I was unstoppable. None of all the things that usually breaks me down, could stop me. I didn't feel, I didn't even think, and it's the best feeling ever. Drinking. Laughing. Being happy. I didn't care about what happened or how it would end. I didn't care about friends, family or my girlfriend. The only thing that mattered was having a good time - and so I had.
Nevertheless; I will not drink like that again. I enjoyed it too much and I had this feeling, that if I could feel like that forever, then I would do it. That's called being an alcoholic, and I won't let that happen to me. Not like it did with my mom and  my dad. And this hangover - Woah, I've never been so sick in my whole life.
But yes. This night I was happy. This night I lived. This night I felt alive.

.. Now it's time to get serious. Time for the exams. Wow. Time has gone so fast. I can't believe it, I'm soon starting a new life at the boarding school and afterwards I'll move out. Move in with my girlfriend, if we're still together at that time. It would be like a dream come true. Falling asleep every night, listening to her heartbeat, knowing she'll be there to hold me when the nightmares returns. Waking every morning, being able to kiss her good morning. I would be the happiest person on Earth, I guess. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it'll work out. Those lies. I have this feeling that it will continue. That is an addiction of hers.
But when she lies again. When she breaks my heart again; I won't be sticking around. 

We define ourselves in love
because love defines us
how we give it away or take it
makes us the people we are

rough people take and give love
leaving ugly, mutual bruises
fearful people give and take love
always worried about the consequences
scorned people give and take love
with the ghosts of the past riding shotgun
broken people give and take love
only in ragged, shattered fragments
gentle people take and give love
leaving delicate trails of tears, good and sad
young people give and take love
with reckless, exuberant abandon
old people give and take love
with hearts that cherish and respect what it is

we define ourselves in love
because love is the commonality
the weightless joy and heavy burden
the reason we live this life

Doubt..

Forever.
Forever is a very, very long time. But I guess I would spend it with you. If you could stop lying. If you told me the truth, instead of keeping it away from me. The truth is; I want to know everything about you. Every little thing you've been through. I wouldn't run. It's past, and you are mine now. And that's good, right? Pretty good.
I just.. I'm not sure. I really, truly love you. I could imagine myself moving in with you, making our own home, as we fight to make money even though we still have our educations. One day, adopt a child or two, or I would get inseminated. Maybe marry you? .. I would risk anything, everything, to be with you. But.. I wouldn't risk a heartbreak. Not again. Not ever again. I can't see through with the lies. I can't accept it.
,, You fooled me again, you fooled me again, with your honest, honest, honest eyes"
So please... Stop. Stop, while I'm still here. 'Cause one day, one day I'll break down. I'm on my way to the edge. No one can push me down. No one but you. So don't. My heart would break into a thousand pieces and this time, time doesn't heal. 

But it's time to face the truth;
I do not think I can stay with you.

Getting better

I've made a promise to myself; 
I can only be sad/depressed for an hour a day. After that hour, I have to push all the sad and miserable thoughts away, smile and move on. I hope it is going to help, because this emptiness is making me crazy. So I'm working on the case, and neither am I allowed to post too many depressing pictures and quotes on Tumblr, and why? Because they are one of the reasons why I stay gloomy.

But.. I can actually see a future right now. My chances of getting in on that boarding school are pretty high and my relationship are better than ever. For a change, she's making me happy instead of disappointing me all the time. She's one of my reasons to be happy.

7 reasons to smile;

• I'm breathing.
• Every second there is born another beautiful child.
• I have my girlfriend.
• I have a family.
• I have food to eat and roof over my head.
• My exams are soon over.
• My girlfriend has a Playstation 3..
  Ahahah, omg..
  

/Out for now

I'm moving on. With or without you, life goes on, and I will never write a post about you never, ever again.

What's lost can never be found

I read that guy's blog. I read his girlfriends. I write to him on facebook. He blocks me. I find myself crying in misery. I'm longing for his voice, for his text messages in the morning. And I can't deal with it anymore. I miss him so insanely much. Why does his girlfriend hate me, I don't get it. I was once in love with him, but that was never nothing serious. I haven't even kissed him or touched in any romantic way, so why does she loathe me that much? But what I know; I would do anything, everything, to get him back in my life.
.. I feel so unloved. To choose a girlfriend over one of his best buddies. Woah. I can't.. I can't even.. I wouldn't choose like that. I would tell the girlfriend to fuck off, if she made me choose between her and a friend, because that's not even fair. I just love that guy. Not like I'm in love, but we've been through so much together, and.. For the latest three years, he has been a big part of my life.
So ... Dear old friend, if you ever read this... Please, consider taking me back. Let me be your friend again. I swear, I would.. I would never hurt you.
.. But I guess I don't mean a thing for you, despite everything I've done for you. It's okay. It's not like I'm not used to it. But I will go on. I have my beautiful girl, I have my family and yes.. All those friends who actually care ♥

So hard, so rare.

When I look at my blog, every post in it, is depressing. Why's that? Because every time I feel the slightest bit of happiness, something goes wrong and I end up crying because I deserved to be happy for just one single day. But I don't. I'm happy in her arms. I don't lie, it's the truth. I'm happy with her.
But she never takes initiative to do anything. If it were up to her, we could stare into the wall the entire day. I can't do that, I love to make memories, because the time we have together is very precious to me.
I talked to her about it. Told her how uncomfortable it makes me when I have to make every decision in our relationship and how I think she should think about how I feel. I hate making decisions; just picking what clothes to wear, can leave me crying on the bed. She said she understood and that she would think about it in the future.
I hope she will.

What I wouldn't give to be androgynous..

Oh..

I want a relationship like those girls on Tumblr. One of those lesbian relationships where they take pictures of each other hugging, and kissing and stuff. I want that. 
I need that. I need a healthy relationship where I smile and have fun. Not crying and being depressed, and somehow I know it's my own fault for not forgetting the past. But how could I? How is that even impossible when you love a person so much, how would you forget her kissing with another girl? I wish it could stay in the past, but they still talk, they are still friends. And here I am, scared to death of the day when she tells me that she cheated on me - Oh no, wait, she wouldn't tell; one of our common friends would. 
She never takes initiative to anything. We just watch movies, play computer and boring stuff. It's always me asking 'Hey, wanna go to the movies?' and always me taking the first step in the night, when I want to .. You know. Never her. I feel so unwanted and so alone, it hurts, and it burns. 
I love her so much and I wish it could be me and her forever, but somehow, deep in my heart, I know that's now going to happen, because she won't change. She won't make it up to me for her mistakes. 

When am I allowed to be happy? Just for once.

She said that I should forget the past and move on. But there's so many questions, so many unsaid words, and I don't get it. How could she kiss her, when she f*cked me and told me she loved me? How could she say the same thing to her? Did I mean anything to her six months ago, or was I just another piece in her stupid game?
But the more she hurt me, the more I fall in love and I hold on even tighter. Why can't I just let go of her? She captured my heart the second I saw you, and now.. Now she has become my world. A world that messes me up and destroys everything I liked about myself. I liked how strongly I can love, but now it's just another one of my weaknesses. I used to like when I smiled, but now I know that the smiles I force on my lips, just are fake. Just as fake as me when I say that she makes me the happiest person in the world; My first lie to her. Because no, she don't make me happy. She should. She did. But not anymore.

Sometimes I wish that this love just would fade away.
But yet.. Then I would be lonely again.

I've become so fucked up.
Now I wonder if it would help to kiss another girl, so we would be equal. She kissed another girl and I'm allowed to do the same. Maybe that would ease my pain? Or would I just feel guilty and like a bad person? I'm not. I'm not a bad person, and I won't let her turn me into something I'm not. But.. I wish the misery would fade away and let me smile with all my heart.
Just for once..

Dance in the dark

Walking, wandering,
Running, hiding,
But I just can't seem to find the way out of this.
Out of the pain, the tears,
The helplessness, the regret,
And I would do anything if I just could forget
The past, the future,
The misery and the failure.
I want you in my life. Want your smile, your touch, your embrace, but it's so hard for me to look away from what you did. How you treated me, how you've had broken my heart several times before. Every night I watch you kiss her in my nightmares. I watch you write those things, and see how she smiles 'cause of your reply. It makes me sick. Lovesick. It makes my heart ache.

I honestly don't know if I can forgive you for what you did. How could you lie to me? How could you even think about it? You destroyed all that trust I had in you. I wouldn't doubt once if you told me something. But that's over now. What I used to think was a dream come true, is now a living nightmare, and I can't wake up. But.. I want it. I want to live in this nightmare if that means I can stay in your arms.

No matter how much you hurt me, or how you break my heart, it doesn't change my love for you.
And I hate it. I hate that I'm addicted to you. But I guess I just have to live with it. Hope for the best but fear the worst. I wish you could be mine. Forever, but.. I also wish for my pain to go away -You are the one hurting me.

If just I could turn back time, so I could prevent it from happening. But I know, it's not my fault.
I have to learn to live in the dark. How to smile in it, how to dance in it. Because pain will always exist in my life, nothing can change that. She will hurt me. She will betray me. So will my family. The only one I really can trust, is myself.

,, I want to live, not just survive"

How could you do this to me, How could you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile, Because you make it hard to breathe. 

Mira. Seriously.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with us, and why are you doing this to me? I always knew that you were the flirty-type, but never that you wouldn't admit it. Even when I tell you that I saw you write that stuff to that guy, you just reject me right away. You won't admit it, you say that it's my fault, that I'm overreacting - you won't even say you are sorry. What is wrong with you?
Don't I mean anything to you? What went wrong? Where's the trust, where's the happiness that is supposed to be in a relationship. No happiness, no smiles, just struggling to keep us together. And the hard part is; I'm the only one holding on. I try to fix it, but your pride is too important. You actually chose your pride over me.
And ouch. How the hell could you ever think about doing that? One thing is that you flirt all the time, another thing is you won't admit it and just keep denying it. My friends says its flirting and it's wrong of you, so why can't you see that you are wrong?
.. I just wanted you to apologize.
But I guess it's over now.
It's over now and nothing will be as it used to.

I'm single now. Left and broken with no place to feel safe. You were my greatest support; my only support. But you let me down and now I sit here, all by myself, bursting into tears every time I hear a song we used to listen to together. I can't believe how much I love you and I never wanted it to end this way. But I'm not strong enough. I'm so disappointed, Mira. I loved you, still do, but.. How? Why did you choose to break my heart into tiny, little pieces? I've never ever done one fucking single thing and still, we were only together for six months and one those months, you destructed my heart. You tore it apart, beat it, kicked it and left it alone without bothering to fix it again.

The trust we once had, will never be what it used to.

.. "I can't take her,"

I listened to one of my dads conversations with my mom. He thought I listened to music, because I had my headset on. But I heard every word he said, and wow.. I never thought I could feel this unloved. 

"I can't take her, "

"She's fucking dumb,"

"She messes up my life"

- If your own dad doesn't even love you, then who does? Seriously? I've never felt this let down before.How can you say stuff like that about your own daughter? I am so hurt and tomorrow I'm going to sleep at my mom's house. Let's see if that's better. I'm not quite sure, but at least she's not drunk as he is all the time.

And yes.. This evening there is no dinner. Again.

I have tried to behave and treat him well, but.. I guess that's not enough for him. I do the dishes, I clean up, I say that it's okay when he's drinking, I listen to him and his drunk-talk. But nothing is good enough.

I just want a life that's better than this.

I have not deserved this. I know I'm better off without my family, and one day I'll leave this fucking place. I'll get a career and laugh them all in the face and say 'Haha, and you always made fun of me and said that I had no future!'

- And even if I fall into the alcohol and becomes fucked up like you, then my excuse is;

"My parents made me who I am"

Living in a family of alcoholics

I grew up with alcohol. When my mom carried me in her tummy, she drank and smoked. She drank every day, and so did my dad. When I was born, they still drank. When I turned 5, they still drank. They beat each other, they cried, they drank a little more, they had sex. I tried to take care of my younger sister, but do you have no idea how hard that was? She was so young, and so was I. I remember one episode, when dad tried to hit mom because he was so fucking drunk, and then I threw my plastic-car at him. I don't know, I just feel like crying every time I think back on it.
But then my grandpa died. That made my mom realize that she should quit drinking, and when I turned 10, she was 'clean', and she hasn't touched alcohol since. 6 years, is it now.I'm actually a little proud of her, even though I don't think she has changed. She's still the same, with mood-swings and such. That's because of her depression. She's taking pills because of it and I have no idea how she'd be like it she didn't.
But as you know, I moved in with my dad.
It's a fucking living hell that keeps on repeating. I get home from school, he tries to be a good dad, he gives up, he goes to the bar, drink until he gets drunk, comes home, then he yells at me and tells me to move away, I yell at him and tells him to shut the fuck up, and he just goes to bed.
And I know.. I can't live like this. I have to get away, because this is a freaking nightmare, that I can't wake up from. Of course I love my dad more than anything in the world, but I can't live with him, and I can't live with my mom neither. My psychiatrist hasn't contacted me in a month and neither have my caseworker. They were supposed to get me out of here, but they just sit on their fat asses as I live here and gets more and more fucked up with every days that goes by.
He yelled at me I shouldn't visit my girlfriend next weekend. I screamed that he should shut up and just go to sleep already. And after yelled at me, he lay down in this bed and fell asleep.

I can't go on like this.
What am I supposed to do?

I wonder how we can survive this romance

But in the end if I'm with you,

I'll take the chance 

I could never say..

I could never say how much you hurt me. You broke my heart so badly, and I don't know if we can fix this, and I don't even know if I want to. What you did to me, how you lied to me. I.. I have no words for this.
But I'll try to tell that happened;
I was checking my girlfriend's facebook like she said I was allowed to, to check her game. But then this chat suddenly popped up. It was from 'that girl'. That girl that Mira kissed back then when we were already dating, when she had told me she loved me. And I was over that; until now.
I tried to click out of the chat but then it scrolled up instead, I have no idea how, and then I read this message. Mira had told 'that girl' she loved her, and that her lips tasted good when they kissed, and.. Mira told the girl that she wanted to do sexual things to her.
What she told me was that 'that girl' kissed her and that she tried to stop her, but... Yes, another lie and now I lay here, broken and filled up with misery. How could she do this? How... I know it's been since month, but those bricks our relationship were build on, were made of lies, made of tears, and now it's falling apart.

But tomorrow we'll talk this out.
Don't know what to say or what to do, but.. Yea, should I even forgive you?
.. I just don't know how my heart could be fixed this time.

And suddenly my heart stopped beating

Stuck on loving you..

I doubt that..

Sometimes I regret I even met you. Sometimes I regret I ever wrote to you for the first time. I shouldn't have, because then I wouldn't feel this way. Betrayed, doubting and miserably in love with you. It's been nearly six months since we got together but I can't forget what happened, what you did to me. And every night, every fucking night I have nightmares about you being with someone else. I watch you kiss her lips, touch her body, every fucking night and I can't deal with this anymore. I wake up crying and feel like leaving every morning.
The worst part is; I would regret. If I ever left you, I would beg you to come back. To forgive me, and we would end up together again. And then again I would leave you and it would go on this circle of sorrow.
I wish I could trust you, but every time you touch me, I think; "She touch her with this hand," and on the inside I break into pieces. But I pretend like I don't even think about it anymore.
The truth is; it is haunting me. 

I want you to love me, I want you to care.
I want you to need me, I want you to want me.
I want to make you smile, and I want to make you mine.
But with every breath I take, with every word you say,
I know I can't go on,
Can't live with or without you another day. 

Why is the girl of my dreams the one who has to break my heart into shattered glass?
But she got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.