Giving up

Giving up isn't the best way; but it surely is the easiest.

A 'former' cutters confession

So now.. There's something I need to write about, something that I'm really ashamed of.
When I was 12, I sat in school, I was thrown out of class because I didn't feel like listening. So I walked down to the bus stop and as always, I had a lot of safety pins on my clothes. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, before I unfastened one of them, and began to cut into my skin. It didn't hurt in the beginning, but then I did it harder and it started bleeding. And I must confess; I loved it.
All the pain on the inside, disappeared. And that's where my addiction started. The day after I searched on the internet about it, how to make it hurt more. I started using razors.
A lot of shit happened and it got worse and worse. I ended up standing on a bridge, because my ex-girlfriend left me. But then I realised; Why killing myself because of such a bitch, who doesn't even love me? ( She hit me and broke my heart so many times in those eighteen months we were together )
And that's where I decided to stop it. Stop all the suicidal thoughts and the self-destructive behaviour. It's been.. About half a year ago. Four years of self-harm. I did it two times after I decided to stop, but I must admit; I'm truly proud.
A long fight and it left me very helpless, miserable and tense. It was so difficult for me, to see the razors as something I should cut myself with, but to shave my legs with. I can't describe it. Compare it to a drug-addict who has to stop pill-dropping.
When I'm lonely and my heart's aching, I still remember how the razor-blade cuts me and the blood flows down my arms or thighs. I can't say I'm 100% over it, but I resist the urge to do it, and I hope my will-power proceeds, so I one day can I look myself in the mirror and say; "Razors? I hate you and I will never think about you as my saviour. We're over! "

Where's my happiness..

Sometimes I don't know what the hell I have to do to be happy. I smile, I laugh, I even make funny jokes, but what the hell does that matter when this motherfucking smile, is fake? When all on the outside, is a fucking facade I fight to keep on. I'm so afraid, 'cause if I lose control for one freaking minute, then I'll go upstairs, tear my razors apart, and then I'll end up in the same shit like half a year ago. I just want to be normal, I just want to tell my shrink "Here I am, I'm okay," .. But I can't.
I've never could. Never. Not even once. Because I'm not happy, not like all the other kids from school. I can feel it, I can feel how different I am, and it kills me.
I'm searching for happiness, searching for that special thing that'll make my day. My girlfriend supports me, but... When there are problems in the relationship, my whole world falls apart.

I’m not that typical baby
I’m a bad kid like my mom and dad made me
I’m not that cool and you hate me
I’m a bad kid, that’s the way that they made me 

-  Lady Gaga, Bad Kids

Maybe..

Maybe I just should quit thinking about my future and planning things with my girlfriend and friends. Because who knows' maybe we're not together in two months, or two days. Am I right? Then I will never get disappointed, and that would save me a lot of pain.

I just don't know.. If I don't have anything to look forward to, then there won't be so much happiness in my life. So I guess I have to make a choice; Risk being hurt, or make sure it'll never happen?

... I'm just so scared. Afraid of the future, afraid of my heart being broken again.

Is it so wrong for me to think that I deserve happiness?

Why..

 

Why does this pain continue? Why can't it just stop, and why won't God, or who the fuck is up there, let me smile and be happy for one single day? I hate this, I hate the way my heart keeps aching and the tears won't stop running down my cheeks.
Because I love you.. I always will..That's why this hurts so much. I know I'm being over-sensitive, but what can I do about it? That's me, it's who I am. Fucking over-sensitive me, who just can't control herself.

And that's why I keep asking myself; Why? Why?
Why do you love me? Why do you care?
.. Why is it such a big problem, why can't your parents trust me?
I'm feeling so unwanted right now.
Mira, I'm so sorry, but all I wanted was for you to save me.

And Izzy? Not loving you is harder than you know.