Oh shit...

I don't even know what to write. A lot of stuff has happened these days and it's all so overwhelming.


Losing a friend is never easy and I miss her like hell. My best friend for four years. I hung out with her every day and she was like the apple of my eye but because of a mess she created, I freaked out and then she freaked out because I freaked out and now we're here. Scattered and broken.
It feels like a bad breakup. I wish I could get her back but I know it wouldn't work out. Some things can't be fixed and I don't think me and her can neither, though I would give everything. But I'm so sensitive and she's spoiled. I just don't know... Maybe we just grew apart. That's common when getting older, right?
And the horse I used to ride is now sold.


Everything just seem so complicated and fucked up at the moment. I just want to forget and move on. I deserve to be happy. Everybody does.
Soon I'm going to the boarding school. A new start, a new beginning. I'm looking forward to it, but now I begin to feel the fear. What if they don't like me? If I end up lonely and hated. Then I would probably just leave and take home, even though my mom dislike me for it.


Fuck this shit...

This thing that breaks my heart.

Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship? I mean, I really love my girl with all my heart, but maybe I'm not emotionally stable enough? Sometimes I get these blackout's where I refuse to talk to her and I just throw my phone into the wall with anger with no fucking reason. It bothers me. I want her, I want her in my life. But sometimes I feel like we're not going anywhere. I want us to move, want us to move forward, hand in hand. Lips to lips.
I've been thinking about running away, taking the easy way out. I don't feel wanted. I feel unloved, miserable. It's like she doesn't want my body anymore. I need the intimacy between us, is it really that wrong?

But still.. I'm young, only 16. I've almost always been in a relationship. Never had a one night-stand. Never kissed a person for no reason. Just for love. Love. Fuck this love. I want to spend my life with a person I love, but if the person doesn't want me anymore, then what's the point in staying? I know she loves me but if she doesn't want my body, then I should just take my things and leave.

I'm so lost in this labyrinth of emotions, love and attraction.
This thing that breaks my heart. 

Pure disappointment.

Nine months

I can't believe we've been together for nine months now. Time is flying but still it feels like I've known you for a lifetime. I would never give that up.I will hold on, even if you beg me to let go. I would wrap my arms around you, tie you down and tell you 'Once you have my heart, you will have it forever'
The only unacceptable thing I wouldn't forgive, would be you cheating. I still don't trust you but somehow I know, deep inside, that you would never hurt me that way. Right? You wouldn't. At least, I hope so. A life without you is summer with no sun, a winter with no snow, a night without stars, lungs with no air. It would be awful. I could live, but I would be a complete mess. So I'd rather give up right away and call off my life.

It's horrible, feeling this way. Being this addicted to a girl who could break your heart in a minute. But isn't it what love is all about? Giving someone the possibility to break your heart, but hoping and trusting they won't? The most fucked up thing is; I don't. I don't trust you.
But maybe in time I will. Right now I just have to hang on and let you love me.

Is it okay?

I have this doubt, this insecurity. If you are in a relationship, would it be okay for me to be attracted to another girl? To look at a girl that's not my girlfriend and think 'Wow, I would totally bang her'
I mean, I really love my girlfriend, I really do, but does that mean I can't be attracted to a beautiful girl? It's human nature. One thing is being attracted to another, but acting on it? I would never. Never, ever in my life. I just don't know, should I tell her? I won't lie to her or keep secrets from her, like she did to me. That would be totally messed up. Right?

I'm turned on by that 'Oh-you-can't-have-me-attitude'. I like it, it's sexy. A bad girl, call it what you want to. The girl everybody wants. That's my type of girl. She was like that when I first met her and I never imagined her being mine this day today. I imagined myself running after her for a year or two and then find another victim for my love. But that's not how it ended up. She gave up the other girls and chose to be mine. She promised me forever and I gladly accepted it - Of course I did, I was crazy about her.
But we're stuck. Stuck in routines. Stuck in a relationship where everything has become boring. I want us to last, I really do, but there's nothing fun, nothing exciting. I want hot sex, on the floor, against the wall. I want that 'Fuck me' whispered in my ear. I need something I can't have.
I would never leave her. Never. She's the apple of my eye, my honeyboo - see, I would never call her things like that in the beginning. She would just be called 'the one I can never have'. But now she loves me and would give me the world. I know. She would die for me like I would die for her.

But I watch these tv-series. The L Word, Lip Service. There's these girls who just fucks every girl they lay their eyes on. They seduce them, they fucks them and leaves them. I don't know why but to me, that's so freakin' attractive and hot. I used to be this romantic girl, dreaming of spending forever with the girl of my dreams. But now it has changed. What's wrong with me? I want a girl who can rock my world and make me cum just by kissing me. Oh God.

Fuck this
I would never cheat. Never, and so will I never leave her or hurt her.
My love, my life, my beautiful girl. 

I'll go to bed now, fuck. 

Nineteen - Tegan & Sara

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you
And when I laid beside you for the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
I was nineteen
Call me

I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay it down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

Flew home
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset

I cooked up a plan
So good except I was all alone
You were all I had

Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right

I was nineteen
Call me
(Bye)

Butterflies and pink hearts.

Some people just don't deserve love. They deserve to be treated just like they treat other people and be left loveless and lonely on the street. Because they are worth nothing. I can't take it, watching others being treated like shit. It cuts my heart and hurts my soul. Animal or human, doesn't matter. I respect almost everybody - But those who hurt the ones I love, they better start running. It's something I cannot live with. Sometimes I sit there and think 'God, why are they even together? He/she deserves so much better!'
The best relationship is when the two are equal. Not that one-sided shit where just one of them work to make the relationship better or where one of them sacrifices everything. In a relationship, both have to sacrifice. Both have to work. The first time in a relationship seems so perfect and like everything is pink hearts and butterflies. But as time passes by, lies are exposed and the real truth shows. That's when the real work starts. I'm a living proof on that. Love is not just cuddling, kisses and romantic sex. It's also fights, tears and hard work. Jealousy. Let downs. Failure. But in the end, when they have each other, it's okay. They figure it out - together. As best friends, as a couple. They forgive almost everything, and that's how it should be. An unconditional love.
But one thing I've learned; Trust is important in a relationship. With no trust there will be no future. When first your partner has lied or deceived you once, that crack in the trust is really hard to fix. Just hiding something from your partner can ruin everything.
I've always dreamed of that fairytale-love. Big dresses, big smiles, but most important; the happily every after. The love and happiness that lasts forever. But it's just a big joke. Fairytales are made to make little kids believe in the impossible. It's not like that; that's not reality. The truth is; You find a girl, you fall in love, you seem so happy, until the day when something goes wrong. You try to fix it, but trouble keeps returning. So in the end, after a month, a year or even longer, you break up and you end up alone, hurting and heartbroken. She seems like the only one and you sit there, hopeless, waiting for her to return. But one day you realize, she's not coming back, so you try to move on. You drink, you smoke, you fuck a stranger, all that just to forget her. So a year after you find this other girl with suns shinning from her eyes and a smile that makes you melt. You fall in love again, you fight for her love, fight to win her heart - and yes, you may succeed, but in the end, it's just this evil, mean circle. You believe this time it's different - but it's not.
But I hope. With all my heart, with all we've been through, I hope. I want this to last. I don't believe in soulmates and 'the only one' - I believe in trust and forgiveness. So please, give me reason to trust you. Give me a reason to fight for us. I will stick around until the end of time, because no one has made me this happy before. You give me a reason to smile. You make me feel so loved and yes, you're a big asshole, but I can't let you go. Not now. Maybe one day when everything is lost, but I hold on because I know we can save this. We can save us. But I can't do it on my own. I need your help. So please..

The same as I love you, you'll always love me too, this love isn't good unless it's me and you.

Puppetmaster

Her own little puppet, making him dance, making him sing.

Controlling him as he were a little doll,
Come little puppet, she says, as she pulls the string

The perfect idea of a lover, and maybe a friend
The monster she were, the freak of nature
Come little puppet, she says, as he hopes for it to end.

But one day he'll get tired of her sick, little game
He'll hurl away the strings, ready to take aim
Goodbye little master, he said, 'cause the heart she couldn't tame.

I will never spare you a thought again.
I'm so disappointed that I got no words for it.
But yes. That's just the reality of being me; loving somebody more than they love you, 

Okay..

I actually feel better now. Yes we were fighting, but I told him what I meant and said that I would be waiting. I needed him to know that. I know, I know, I'm wasting my time, because she is holding him back and he loves her more than his own life. He won't let her down, he won't go against her. That's okay. My previous relationship were like that so I know how it feels.
But the hole in my chest has grown smaller. It's like I can breathe somehow normal now. I'm pissed off, but somehow, someway, I'm kind of happy. Is that wrong? .. Just writing with him made my heart sing.
I miss him, but I can wait. I will be waiting for him with my arms wide open.

What we used to be

Even though you've said so many harsh, unforgivable words, I still want you back in my life.
I know I can't forget, but I'm yearning, longning, for what we used to have.
A relationship with no limits. We talked about everything that mattered, and things that had no meaning at all.
I supported you, cried when I knew you were hurting. I did nothing but being your friend.
So why do we fight? I don't want to. Never wanted to. I just wanted your attention. I wanted you to notice me. Yell at me, scream at me, that's alright, because it's better than being ignored.
.. I would do anything. 

I can now tell the truth; I'm over it. I'm over him and his bullshit for real.

You are one sick bastard.

I never thought I should say this about him, but seriously, with all my heart? I hate him. I hate him so incredibly much. 

Even the coldest, most hurtful answer is better than no answer at all.

And.. I'm actually happy.
You took your time to write me a message. You bothered. That must mean I still matter to you, right?
But now I will move on. I won't look back. After all, I've thought about it; I wouldn't be able to take you back anyway. It would be impossible, when you have so many hurtful words and left me in the most miserable time of my life. So yes. I won't look back. Never again. I have other friends; friends who cares. Somebody with hearts.

Just a thought..

I'll let go of what you did.
I will forgive you.
But I will never forget.
And because of that, I will never never fully trust you.
And I'm asking myself; Is that ok?
Okay, okay, ok.

I'll move on.
Though my heart is broken.
I still want you.
And because of that, I'm bound to you.
And I think to myself; Is that ok?
Okay, okay, ok.

I will learn. So do you.
You will fight. So will you.
And I will move on, let go and open my eyes.
To what I have.
And is that okay?
Okay, okay, ok.