Being drunk = Being alive.

It's the first time in a long time I've felt this alive. This night I was unstoppable. None of all the things that usually breaks me down, could stop me. I didn't feel, I didn't even think, and it's the best feeling ever. Drinking. Laughing. Being happy. I didn't care about what happened or how it would end. I didn't care about friends, family or my girlfriend. The only thing that mattered was having a good time - and so I had.
Nevertheless; I will not drink like that again. I enjoyed it too much and I had this feeling, that if I could feel like that forever, then I would do it. That's called being an alcoholic, and I won't let that happen to me. Not like it did with my mom and  my dad. And this hangover - Woah, I've never been so sick in my whole life.
But yes. This night I was happy. This night I lived. This night I felt alive.

.. Now it's time to get serious. Time for the exams. Wow. Time has gone so fast. I can't believe it, I'm soon starting a new life at the boarding school and afterwards I'll move out. Move in with my girlfriend, if we're still together at that time. It would be like a dream come true. Falling asleep every night, listening to her heartbeat, knowing she'll be there to hold me when the nightmares returns. Waking every morning, being able to kiss her good morning. I would be the happiest person on Earth, I guess. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it'll work out. Those lies. I have this feeling that it will continue. That is an addiction of hers.
But when she lies again. When she breaks my heart again; I won't be sticking around. 

We define ourselves in love
because love defines us
how we give it away or take it
makes us the people we are

rough people take and give love
leaving ugly, mutual bruises
fearful people give and take love
always worried about the consequences
scorned people give and take love
with the ghosts of the past riding shotgun
broken people give and take love
only in ragged, shattered fragments
gentle people take and give love
leaving delicate trails of tears, good and sad
young people give and take love
with reckless, exuberant abandon
old people give and take love
with hearts that cherish and respect what it is

we define ourselves in love
because love is the commonality
the weightless joy and heavy burden
the reason we live this life

Doubt..

Forever.
Forever is a very, very long time. But I guess I would spend it with you. If you could stop lying. If you told me the truth, instead of keeping it away from me. The truth is; I want to know everything about you. Every little thing you've been through. I wouldn't run. It's past, and you are mine now. And that's good, right? Pretty good.
I just.. I'm not sure. I really, truly love you. I could imagine myself moving in with you, making our own home, as we fight to make money even though we still have our educations. One day, adopt a child or two, or I would get inseminated. Maybe marry you? .. I would risk anything, everything, to be with you. But.. I wouldn't risk a heartbreak. Not again. Not ever again. I can't see through with the lies. I can't accept it.
,, You fooled me again, you fooled me again, with your honest, honest, honest eyes"
So please... Stop. Stop, while I'm still here. 'Cause one day, one day I'll break down. I'm on my way to the edge. No one can push me down. No one but you. So don't. My heart would break into a thousand pieces and this time, time doesn't heal. 

But it's time to face the truth;
I do not think I can stay with you.

Getting better

I've made a promise to myself; 
I can only be sad/depressed for an hour a day. After that hour, I have to push all the sad and miserable thoughts away, smile and move on. I hope it is going to help, because this emptiness is making me crazy. So I'm working on the case, and neither am I allowed to post too many depressing pictures and quotes on Tumblr, and why? Because they are one of the reasons why I stay gloomy.

But.. I can actually see a future right now. My chances of getting in on that boarding school are pretty high and my relationship are better than ever. For a change, she's making me happy instead of disappointing me all the time. She's one of my reasons to be happy.

7 reasons to smile;

• I'm breathing.
• Every second there is born another beautiful child.
• I have my girlfriend.
• I have a family.
• I have food to eat and roof over my head.
• My exams are soon over.
• My girlfriend has a Playstation 3..
  Ahahah, omg..
  

/Out for now

I'm moving on. With or without you, life goes on, and I will never write a post about you never, ever again.

What's lost can never be found

I read that guy's blog. I read his girlfriends. I write to him on facebook. He blocks me. I find myself crying in misery. I'm longing for his voice, for his text messages in the morning. And I can't deal with it anymore. I miss him so insanely much. Why does his girlfriend hate me, I don't get it. I was once in love with him, but that was never nothing serious. I haven't even kissed him or touched in any romantic way, so why does she loathe me that much? But what I know; I would do anything, everything, to get him back in my life.
.. I feel so unloved. To choose a girlfriend over one of his best buddies. Woah. I can't.. I can't even.. I wouldn't choose like that. I would tell the girlfriend to fuck off, if she made me choose between her and a friend, because that's not even fair. I just love that guy. Not like I'm in love, but we've been through so much together, and.. For the latest three years, he has been a big part of my life.
So ... Dear old friend, if you ever read this... Please, consider taking me back. Let me be your friend again. I swear, I would.. I would never hurt you.
.. But I guess I don't mean a thing for you, despite everything I've done for you. It's okay. It's not like I'm not used to it. But I will go on. I have my beautiful girl, I have my family and yes.. All those friends who actually care ♥

So hard, so rare.

When I look at my blog, every post in it, is depressing. Why's that? Because every time I feel the slightest bit of happiness, something goes wrong and I end up crying because I deserved to be happy for just one single day. But I don't. I'm happy in her arms. I don't lie, it's the truth. I'm happy with her.
But she never takes initiative to do anything. If it were up to her, we could stare into the wall the entire day. I can't do that, I love to make memories, because the time we have together is very precious to me.
I talked to her about it. Told her how uncomfortable it makes me when I have to make every decision in our relationship and how I think she should think about how I feel. I hate making decisions; just picking what clothes to wear, can leave me crying on the bed. She said she understood and that she would think about it in the future.
I hope she will.

What I wouldn't give to be androgynous..

Oh..

I want a relationship like those girls on Tumblr. One of those lesbian relationships where they take pictures of each other hugging, and kissing and stuff. I want that. 
I need that. I need a healthy relationship where I smile and have fun. Not crying and being depressed, and somehow I know it's my own fault for not forgetting the past. But how could I? How is that even impossible when you love a person so much, how would you forget her kissing with another girl? I wish it could stay in the past, but they still talk, they are still friends. And here I am, scared to death of the day when she tells me that she cheated on me - Oh no, wait, she wouldn't tell; one of our common friends would. 
She never takes initiative to anything. We just watch movies, play computer and boring stuff. It's always me asking 'Hey, wanna go to the movies?' and always me taking the first step in the night, when I want to .. You know. Never her. I feel so unwanted and so alone, it hurts, and it burns. 
I love her so much and I wish it could be me and her forever, but somehow, deep in my heart, I know that's now going to happen, because she won't change. She won't make it up to me for her mistakes. 

When am I allowed to be happy? Just for once.

She said that I should forget the past and move on. But there's so many questions, so many unsaid words, and I don't get it. How could she kiss her, when she f*cked me and told me she loved me? How could she say the same thing to her? Did I mean anything to her six months ago, or was I just another piece in her stupid game?
But the more she hurt me, the more I fall in love and I hold on even tighter. Why can't I just let go of her? She captured my heart the second I saw you, and now.. Now she has become my world. A world that messes me up and destroys everything I liked about myself. I liked how strongly I can love, but now it's just another one of my weaknesses. I used to like when I smiled, but now I know that the smiles I force on my lips, just are fake. Just as fake as me when I say that she makes me the happiest person in the world; My first lie to her. Because no, she don't make me happy. She should. She did. But not anymore.

Sometimes I wish that this love just would fade away.
But yet.. Then I would be lonely again.

I've become so fucked up.
Now I wonder if it would help to kiss another girl, so we would be equal. She kissed another girl and I'm allowed to do the same. Maybe that would ease my pain? Or would I just feel guilty and like a bad person? I'm not. I'm not a bad person, and I won't let her turn me into something I'm not. But.. I wish the misery would fade away and let me smile with all my heart.
Just for once..