Stay strong..

I see no future anymore, just another breakdown, just another tear-burst. I try to stay positive, I try to smile so no one asks me "Are you ok?" 'Cause I hate to lie. 
My family is the main problem. When I go into my room after an hour with them, I just break into a thousand pieces. I jump into my bed and stay there all day. Until next morning when I have to go to school. 
And I never thought I would say this, but being in school is liking being in heaven. The only thing I have to worry about, is my friends and my grades. It's, like, nothing. It's so relaxing. 
Six months and then I'm going to Boarding School and only have to visit my Mom and sister two times on a month. I'm looking forward to it, actually it's why I try to stay strong right now. Everything will be so much better. My life will change, and I will try to be a much more stable person. I will give it my all.
So please.. Let those six months pass quickly.. 

Exploding with emotions..

Keeping it all inside until I break down.
Piling it up, emotion on emotion, thought on thought until I end up crying, shaking and hurting.
And I just want to lay down, let it all out, but I just can't. It won't help, nothing will help.
You know what kills me? This helplessness that just tears me apart. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do. I can smile and say 'I'm alright,' and I know that's the biggest lie in this fucking world.
But I don't want you to care. I don't want anyone to care.
.. There goes another lie.

Fuck this..
Friends are leaving me, they don't even care enough to write me a fucking message. I would give anything to care less, to just say 'fuck them', but I .. I actually love them. I want them to worry, even though it's hard to admit.

I just want to be loved, though I'm emotionally unstable.
I just want them to want to help me.

This fear, this loneliness..
All these tears..

I just want to put it all behind me, and go on with a smile, but.. What if that's not possible?
What if I'm forced to break down because of my own sorrow?

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about it? Maybe I should tell my mom?
For christ's sake, I've done those things, but did it work? No, it didn't. None of them care. No one does. I even doubt my girlfriend does. I just.. I just want to feel less, think less and that way, cry less. 

Playing with my past

Here the other day on Facebook, I typed my ex-girlfriends name. Just her first name, and then.. There she was. Her name and even her face.
I thought to myself That must be a mistake, because she blocked me when we broke up, for about 10 months ago. But then she suddenly appeared. I was i shock, to be honest, I had no idea what to do. So I ignored it.
For the first time in, like, a half year, I logged on Myspace, to check if anyone had written to me.
And then she was there again. She had commented my picture.
"I miss you.."Was her exact words. To tell the truth, I was startled. Scared. So my answer to that, was;
"But I don't miss you,"
However, that's a lie. I mean I don't miss being in a relationship. How could I ever miss being heartbroken every day, but.. I missed her as my friend. Like.. Like, when I broke up with her, a little, tiny piece of my heart, went with her. Out of my life. And I want that piece back.

Don't get me wrong, I have a girlfriend, who I love more than anything in the world, seriously.
But still.. You can continue to have a friendship with your ex-girlfriend, if you both act a little grown-up, right? Just with friendly feelings, and no more.

So then, the same evening, I wrote her a longer message on Facebook, where I said that I was a little confused, and why she wrote things like that - Even when she's in a relationship, too.
She said that she had broke up with her boyfriend, and I'm like "So what?"

But we continued talking, and we are actually getting along very well, which is a big surprise to me. I feared that we would almost kill each other virtually.
I'm hoping for a future where I can talk with her, but I won't get my hopes too high, 'cause then I eventually would end up being disappointed, and I won't let that happen to me.

This is my heart, after all. It's no one's toy.

But now we got each other's number, and we're talking about everything - everything, but our former relationship. And actually, I like it that way.

The loss of my best friend..

Thursday the 16th I lost my best friend, my cat. But to me she was never just a cat, she was the one who always made me smile and always made me think clear. When I stroke her fur and kissed her on the top of her head, I could feel the happiness running through my veins. She truly was the best pet I've ever had.
And I miss her, I really do. Being here in my room, and knowing that she'll never come home again, it hurts. It's like a piece of me is missing, and I know, I will never be whole again, never complete.
You should be here, here in my arms, where I could cuddle you against my chest. We were happy together, you and me. To me you were not just a cat, you were my great support.
And here I am; alone. Without you. Shit... I can't see the light anymore. I need you.
But I have to face the truth, though it breaks my heart. You will never come back.
The only thing that can bring a smile to my face now, is that you're probably looking down from Cat-Heaven, watching me. Now you're a beautiful angel. My guardian angel, and you're not alone, 'cause Mizuki, you're sister is in Heaven, too.
I will never forget you. You still are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
- May you rest in peace, Amaya. Goodbye.

When I'm with you..

When I'm with you, time stands still. The world could disappear right in front of me, but I wouldn't notice. And what does the future matter, when I have you? I feel so secure, so safe and so endlessly happy in your arms.
Everything I need is you, and that's the truth.

Who needs the world when I got you?

If I had one wish, then it sincerely would be, to be yours forever.

 

"She's not that bad looking,"

That's all I want to hear from the people close to me say. Not that I'm pretty, perfect, or gorgeous, just that I'm okay, judging by the looks. When I was younger, I always told myself that I didn't care if people hated me. But of course that was a stupid lie. Today it means a lot to me when other compliment me, my clothes, hair or even my make-up, but I always reply by saying "Nah, not really, but thanks"

But deep inside my mind, I'm melting. It just makes my day when someone praise me. It makes my self-esteem so much better, at least for a day or two.

It's not because I want to be popular, I just want people to respect me for who I am. But what's most significant right now, is that I want to be able to look in the mirror without self-destructive thoughts. But every time I look at myself, I think; How can anyone be so unattractive?

And it's really hurtful when I think such things about myself. I hurt myself, and I destroy my own self-esteem. But that's what I've always done, so it's so difficult to change. A habit, a very bad one.

So freakin' happy!

She text me! She sent me a fucking message where she wrote that she missed me and loved me, omg!

 I think I might be the happiest girl in the world right now. No words can describe my happiness right now. Just.. Thank you. I'm so glad and grateful, you just made my life so much brighter.
And thanks to my gorgeous girlfriend who decided to talk to her. She convinced her to text me. Omg. I think I might burst in tears of happiness - No wait, I already did.
Omg!

My future..

At the moment I find it difficult to believe in the future. I don't know what education I should get and I don't know if my grades are good enough for that one I have thought about. That's why I decided to go on 'efterskole', so I can have some time to think and decide. My biggest fear is wasting time.
I just want to live a good life. A better life than the one my mom lives with no money.
So many possibilities and options, don't know which one to choose. Am I good enough?

Best friends stick together and never say goodbye.

.. I wish that was true. You were my best friend, the only one who really knew my every thought, my every feeling. And yet I ended up with my heart broken. I trusted you, I really did, that's why it really shocked me. I would've done anything for you, and the sad part is that I still will.
Yes I overreacted but you didn't even said 'I'm sorry', and that's what hurts the most. You didn't even take your time to find a new arrangement with me.
But still I miss you more and more every day. Today I wrote to you as 'anonymous' on Tumblr, told you that I loved you. Fuck, this sucks so much. It's driving me insane and seriously, I never thought I could feel this strongly about a friend. My girlfriend say you ask about my well-being and that you also miss me. So for Christ's sake, why don't you text me!?
Every day I listen to our song and with every word Robbie Williams sing, I hear your voice instead of his. It kills me.
But I have to be positive and look at the bright side of life. I have my adorable girlfriend, my cat and my other friends. At least I can trust them ♥

I can't wait anymore..

I've waited so long for you to text me. Every time I get a message, I hope it's you, but every time I get disappointed. Why don't you write me, why don't you quit your insecurity. Do I really mean so little to you, that you don't even want to swallow your own pride for me? It hurts me, because I need you.
I know I was the one who ended our friendship, but you really broke my heart by not coming to my birthday. I scheduled it that day, just for you, and then you just cancel. Wow, I have no words for that pain. But it's okay.. As long as you'll one day come back.
But I miss you. I miss you so terribly and I need you. It sounds like I'm fucking in love or something, but that's not it. You just mean so much to me, you was such a dear friend to me.
I always say that there's four sections of my heart; My girlfriend, my family, my friends and then you. Yes. You got your own section in my heart, your own piece, and when that piece got ripped out... Ouch.

I just love you.. That's all