Exploding with emotions..

Keeping it all inside until I break down.
Piling it up, emotion on emotion, thought on thought until I end up crying, shaking and hurting.
And I just want to lay down, let it all out, but I just can't. It won't help, nothing will help.
You know what kills me? This helplessness that just tears me apart. I don't know what to say, don't know what to do. I can smile and say 'I'm alright,' and I know that's the biggest lie in this fucking world.
But I don't want you to care. I don't want anyone to care.
.. There goes another lie.

Fuck this..
Friends are leaving me, they don't even care enough to write me a fucking message. I would give anything to care less, to just say 'fuck them', but I .. I actually love them. I want them to worry, even though it's hard to admit.

I just want to be loved, though I'm emotionally unstable.
I just want them to want to help me.

This fear, this loneliness..
All these tears..

I just want to put it all behind me, and go on with a smile, but.. What if that's not possible?
What if I'm forced to break down because of my own sorrow?

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about it? Maybe I should tell my mom?
For christ's sake, I've done those things, but did it work? No, it didn't. None of them care. No one does. I even doubt my girlfriend does. I just.. I just want to feel less, think less and that way, cry less.