"She's not that bad looking,"

That's all I want to hear from the people close to me say. Not that I'm pretty, perfect, or gorgeous, just that I'm okay, judging by the looks. When I was younger, I always told myself that I didn't care if people hated me. But of course that was a stupid lie. Today it means a lot to me when other compliment me, my clothes, hair or even my make-up, but I always reply by saying "Nah, not really, but thanks"

But deep inside my mind, I'm melting. It just makes my day when someone praise me. It makes my self-esteem so much better, at least for a day or two.

It's not because I want to be popular, I just want people to respect me for who I am. But what's most significant right now, is that I want to be able to look in the mirror without self-destructive thoughts. But every time I look at myself, I think; How can anyone be so unattractive?

And it's really hurtful when I think such things about myself. I hurt myself, and I destroy my own self-esteem. But that's what I've always done, so it's so difficult to change. A habit, a very bad one.