Mood-killer

Yesterday I went to Copenhagen Zoo with my sister and mom. It was pretty sunny and after a few hours I got these red marks all over my legs. I tried not to get sad because of it, but I could easily see everybody was staring at my legs. It really bothered me. So then my mom noticed and she began to laugh and call me physically handicapped. It almost made me cry. How I look is like everything to me. If I have a bad hair-day, then my day is automatically going to be crappy.

And my love-life right now is just dead. It's like non-existing. The spark is gone. There's nothing left. But I probably just feel like that because I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm like addicted. 

Going to the boarding school is gonna be awesome - away from the family but closer to my girlfriend. And I know everything seems broken, but I hope we can fix it again. I can't bare to see it die. I ain't ready. If I had the chance, I would hold her forever in my arms and never let go of her, but it seems so difficult when my life is such a fucked up mess. I lose friends, I can't stand my family, I feel bad about myself, so at least, God or whoever is up there, please, let me keep her in my life.

Unloved

I've never felt so alone before. I have never been so goddamn depressed and I see no way out of it. I just lay in my bed all day and when I do anything except for sleeping, I eat. I don't even want to it. I just do it to have something to do. I have this fucking headache all the time and I just feel like an empty shell.
And no one is trying to help me. I'm so alone and I can't deal with the loneliness anymore. I'm crying constantly and my mom and sister keeps asking what is wrong. Every time they do, I just want to reply; "What is NOT wrong?" 


But after all, they never feel lonely. They never feel let down. They have each other. And mom is treating my sister like she's the only daughter she cares about. What about me? Why don't I get an iPhone? Why don't I get a horse? Why doesn't she buy me new clothes all the time? It all revolves around my younger sister.
And it would be nice just to feel a little loved sometimes. But well, who cares? I'm not even worth it. So just leave me all by myself and let me drown in my own sorrow. I don't give a fuck. 


Everything just goes wrong right now. It goes like shit with the girlfriend, with the family, with the money, with the friends and the future. I don't even see my future anymore. What the hell.. And the most depressing thing is; I don't care about my future. I just want to be happy right here and right now. But neither do I deserve that.

Unforgettable.

When I think back, I remember your smile. Your shining eyes. The hair with the color of night. I remember all those beautiful memories. I remember your warm embrace, your affectionate kisses.

But now, all that, has to end. You screwed me over once again and this time I will not forget. I will not forgive. You say you are broken but you have no clue about how being broken feels. When it stings, scratches and aches like a disease in your heart. A disease that will never stop.

And yes. This disease, this fucking illness, is my love to you. A fucking circle that will fuck me over and over and fucking over again. And I cannot deal with this anymore. You meant everything to me. You were my light, you were my only hope.

But you did it again. Trashed my heart.
Don't you see? There's no future for us anymore.

The truth about me

... Is that there's not just one of me. There's a lot of sides of me. They confuse each other and sometimes I'm more than one person. I even think two different things at the same time.

There's this 'side' of me, who loves to party, drink and be wild. This person is flirty and wants adventure and is longing to be single, so I can be with all those girls I want. Like that I will never experience another heartbreak and I can live the way I want to. 

But then there's this completely opposite side of me. This 'me' do not want to party, she just wants to read, watch movies and cuddle with her girlfriend. Wants to hold on to her forever and never let go. She loves her girlfriend like she was the only girl in the world. Does not want anybody else, not even sexually. 

These sides, they confuse me like hell. Which side should I rely on? I can't get this to make sense at all. They fuck me up over and over again, and so does she. That girl whom I love with all my heart. 

The big, fucking, devastating question is; Should I hang on? Should I go with her flow and let her love me, like I love her? Or should I just give up already and face the truth about us? The trust is broken, we're too damaged, and move on? But now. How? How can I move on when I love her like I do? 

I'm crazy, I know. Do not blame me for this. If I just could make this fucking decision. 

But again, the truth is; I don't really have a choice, do I?

When my heart is beating for her, what choice do I really have?

The truth about losing

Losing is never fun, but it's part of life. Some people leaves but like that you make room for new people, who worship you more. You just have to remember that those who leave, they leave for a reason. Maybe you don't fit together, maybe you've grown apart or maybe they have hurt you so much you cannot forgive them.
Losing a real friend is unforgettable. You will remember her/his smile forever and always think back at your hilarious, fucked up, or beautiful moments together. You will treasure your memories. And that's great, but just remember to make space for new people to enter your life.
And remember; never take a friend for granted. Love a friend like you love family and support her/him no matter what. Through thick and thin. Sometimes you may argue about some stuff and it may seem like the end of your friendship, but try to hold on as long as it seems fair for you both. Hold on until it seems impossible to fix.
Some things can be fixed, some things can not. And that's what I am experiencing right now; the end of a three-year old friendship. It's devastating and she haunts me in every single dream. I dream of our good times and bad times, all the fun we've made and the shit we've been through. And I miss her. Oh fuck I miss her. But I know this will never be fixed, something's have to remain broken. I cannot have somebody messing up my schedule and my brain. I will not be taken for granted. I want to be loved for who I am and be worshiped for what I do. True, I love her and maybe one day I will ask her to be my friend again, but I'm not stable enough as it is right now.
Right now I will treasure what I have and keep my eyes and heart open for what is coming.

These days.

Sometimes I feel so sure about us and know everything is going to be alright. I know I will follow you through thick and thin, through laughter and tears.
But then there's these days, where I just want to be alone. Where I feel like kicking you out of my life and move on. Take a leap into the unknown. Because I know your little secrets, I can you feel you are hiding things from me. I've come to this point where I just have to be sure about everything, or else my life will fall to pieces. Come crashing down on me. You should be the one to trust. I shouldn't be doubting you, but you haven't given me a reason to believe in you.
It's these days that break me down. It's these days that ruin my entire week, and maybe one day I will get enough of it and disappear without a trace. Maybe that's the best thing to do. For both of us.
To be completely honest, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for us to finish, but neither am I ready for us to begin our life together. I'm young, only sixteen, and I shouldn't be bound to anyone. I want to love you, want to be yours, but still I want adventure. A life with risks instead of a life where it's all figured out and planned. I want to try everything that's worth trying. With you or not, well, I cannot say, but..

I need change. I need a reason to smile.

Gentle sparks of hope..

A lot of things has went wrong recently and I've been kinda depressed, though I've been with Mira. Still that hasn't been enough to make me smile - I feel like a complete asshole, I've been snarling at her like a little bitch and I feel so guilty. So tomorrow we're going to BonBonland with my younger sister, and I will make it up to her. I will make her fall in love with me all over again, cuz I can't stand the thought of losing her. Not again, not ever. So I'll forget all the complications and just be happy for one day. For Mira and my sister.

Confessions.

I have a confession to make;
When I look at happy people, see their smiles and hear their laughter, I envy them. I wish I could rip out their happiness and place it into my own heart. I want to be like them; forget the sorrow life brings and just live my life. Take one step at a time but I know, I cannot follow those rules. I have to keep everything scheduled or else my head will be a complete mess. My old friend messed with my schedule every time we made plans, and that's why we cannot talk anymore. Because I freaked out. She did not understand, and ouch, how that hurt. Sitting there and knowing you can't do anything, I cannot change myself, though I would do it for her. My very best friend for over four years. All that, wasted and spilled. Broken and smashed to the ground.
Yes.. I do miss her. I always try to do my very best but after all, I always get abandoned.
But I refuse to give up. I know, there is somebody out there, waiting for me. Maybe they'll love me for who I am? Time will show, right? I know I'm not a bad person; I'd rather die than hurt anyone. That's why I deserve happiness.