The truth about me

... Is that there's not just one of me. There's a lot of sides of me. They confuse each other and sometimes I'm more than one person. I even think two different things at the same time.

There's this 'side' of me, who loves to party, drink and be wild. This person is flirty and wants adventure and is longing to be single, so I can be with all those girls I want. Like that I will never experience another heartbreak and I can live the way I want to. 

But then there's this completely opposite side of me. This 'me' do not want to party, she just wants to read, watch movies and cuddle with her girlfriend. Wants to hold on to her forever and never let go. She loves her girlfriend like she was the only girl in the world. Does not want anybody else, not even sexually. 

These sides, they confuse me like hell. Which side should I rely on? I can't get this to make sense at all. They fuck me up over and over again, and so does she. That girl whom I love with all my heart. 

The big, fucking, devastating question is; Should I hang on? Should I go with her flow and let her love me, like I love her? Or should I just give up already and face the truth about us? The trust is broken, we're too damaged, and move on? But now. How? How can I move on when I love her like I do? 

I'm crazy, I know. Do not blame me for this. If I just could make this fucking decision. 

But again, the truth is; I don't really have a choice, do I?

When my heart is beating for her, what choice do I really have?