Dance in the dark

Walking, wandering,
Running, hiding,
But I just can't seem to find the way out of this.
Out of the pain, the tears,
The helplessness, the regret,
And I would do anything if I just could forget
The past, the future,
The misery and the failure.
I want you in my life. Want your smile, your touch, your embrace, but it's so hard for me to look away from what you did. How you treated me, how you've had broken my heart several times before. Every night I watch you kiss her in my nightmares. I watch you write those things, and see how she smiles 'cause of your reply. It makes me sick. Lovesick. It makes my heart ache.

I honestly don't know if I can forgive you for what you did. How could you lie to me? How could you even think about it? You destroyed all that trust I had in you. I wouldn't doubt once if you told me something. But that's over now. What I used to think was a dream come true, is now a living nightmare, and I can't wake up. But.. I want it. I want to live in this nightmare if that means I can stay in your arms.

No matter how much you hurt me, or how you break my heart, it doesn't change my love for you.
And I hate it. I hate that I'm addicted to you. But I guess I just have to live with it. Hope for the best but fear the worst. I wish you could be mine. Forever, but.. I also wish for my pain to go away -You are the one hurting me.

If just I could turn back time, so I could prevent it from happening. But I know, it's not my fault.
I have to learn to live in the dark. How to smile in it, how to dance in it. Because pain will always exist in my life, nothing can change that. She will hurt me. She will betray me. So will my family. The only one I really can trust, is myself.

,, I want to live, not just survive"

How could you do this to me, How could you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile, Because you make it hard to breathe. 

Mira. Seriously.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with us, and why are you doing this to me? I always knew that you were the flirty-type, but never that you wouldn't admit it. Even when I tell you that I saw you write that stuff to that guy, you just reject me right away. You won't admit it, you say that it's my fault, that I'm overreacting - you won't even say you are sorry. What is wrong with you?
Don't I mean anything to you? What went wrong? Where's the trust, where's the happiness that is supposed to be in a relationship. No happiness, no smiles, just struggling to keep us together. And the hard part is; I'm the only one holding on. I try to fix it, but your pride is too important. You actually chose your pride over me.
And ouch. How the hell could you ever think about doing that? One thing is that you flirt all the time, another thing is you won't admit it and just keep denying it. My friends says its flirting and it's wrong of you, so why can't you see that you are wrong?
.. I just wanted you to apologize.
But I guess it's over now.
It's over now and nothing will be as it used to.

I'm single now. Left and broken with no place to feel safe. You were my greatest support; my only support. But you let me down and now I sit here, all by myself, bursting into tears every time I hear a song we used to listen to together. I can't believe how much I love you and I never wanted it to end this way. But I'm not strong enough. I'm so disappointed, Mira. I loved you, still do, but.. How? Why did you choose to break my heart into tiny, little pieces? I've never ever done one fucking single thing and still, we were only together for six months and one those months, you destructed my heart. You tore it apart, beat it, kicked it and left it alone without bothering to fix it again.

The trust we once had, will never be what it used to.

.. "I can't take her,"

I listened to one of my dads conversations with my mom. He thought I listened to music, because I had my headset on. But I heard every word he said, and wow.. I never thought I could feel this unloved. 

"I can't take her, "

"She's fucking dumb,"

"She messes up my life"

- If your own dad doesn't even love you, then who does? Seriously? I've never felt this let down before.How can you say stuff like that about your own daughter? I am so hurt and tomorrow I'm going to sleep at my mom's house. Let's see if that's better. I'm not quite sure, but at least she's not drunk as he is all the time.

And yes.. This evening there is no dinner. Again.

I have tried to behave and treat him well, but.. I guess that's not enough for him. I do the dishes, I clean up, I say that it's okay when he's drinking, I listen to him and his drunk-talk. But nothing is good enough.

I just want a life that's better than this.

I have not deserved this. I know I'm better off without my family, and one day I'll leave this fucking place. I'll get a career and laugh them all in the face and say 'Haha, and you always made fun of me and said that I had no future!'

- And even if I fall into the alcohol and becomes fucked up like you, then my excuse is;

"My parents made me who I am"

Living in a family of alcoholics

I grew up with alcohol. When my mom carried me in her tummy, she drank and smoked. She drank every day, and so did my dad. When I was born, they still drank. When I turned 5, they still drank. They beat each other, they cried, they drank a little more, they had sex. I tried to take care of my younger sister, but do you have no idea how hard that was? She was so young, and so was I. I remember one episode, when dad tried to hit mom because he was so fucking drunk, and then I threw my plastic-car at him. I don't know, I just feel like crying every time I think back on it.
But then my grandpa died. That made my mom realize that she should quit drinking, and when I turned 10, she was 'clean', and she hasn't touched alcohol since. 6 years, is it now.I'm actually a little proud of her, even though I don't think she has changed. She's still the same, with mood-swings and such. That's because of her depression. She's taking pills because of it and I have no idea how she'd be like it she didn't.
But as you know, I moved in with my dad.
It's a fucking living hell that keeps on repeating. I get home from school, he tries to be a good dad, he gives up, he goes to the bar, drink until he gets drunk, comes home, then he yells at me and tells me to move away, I yell at him and tells him to shut the fuck up, and he just goes to bed.
And I know.. I can't live like this. I have to get away, because this is a freaking nightmare, that I can't wake up from. Of course I love my dad more than anything in the world, but I can't live with him, and I can't live with my mom neither. My psychiatrist hasn't contacted me in a month and neither have my caseworker. They were supposed to get me out of here, but they just sit on their fat asses as I live here and gets more and more fucked up with every days that goes by.
He yelled at me I shouldn't visit my girlfriend next weekend. I screamed that he should shut up and just go to sleep already. And after yelled at me, he lay down in this bed and fell asleep.

I can't go on like this.
What am I supposed to do?

I wonder how we can survive this romance

But in the end if I'm with you,

I'll take the chance