søndag den 8. april 2012

Living in a family of alcoholics

I grew up with alcohol. When my mom carried me in her tummy, she drank and smoked. She drank every day, and so did my dad. When I was born, they still drank. When I turned 5, they still drank. They beat each other, they cried, they drank a little more, they had sex. I tried to take care of my younger sister, but do you have no idea how hard that was? She was so young, and so was I. I remember one episode, when dad tried to hit mom because he was so fucking drunk, and then I threw my plastic-car at him. I don't know, I just feel like crying every time I think back on it.
But then my grandpa died. That made my mom realize that she should quit drinking, and when I turned 10, she was 'clean', and she hasn't touched alcohol since. 6 years, is it now.I'm actually a little proud of her, even though I don't think she has changed. She's still the same, with mood-swings and such. That's because of her depression. She's taking pills because of it and I have no idea how she'd be like it she didn't.
But as you know, I moved in with my dad.
It's a fucking living hell that keeps on repeating. I get home from school, he tries to be a good dad, he gives up, he goes to the bar, drink until he gets drunk, comes home, then he yells at me and tells me to move away, I yell at him and tells him to shut the fuck up, and he just goes to bed.
And I know.. I can't live like this. I have to get away, because this is a freaking nightmare, that I can't wake up from. Of course I love my dad more than anything in the world, but I can't live with him, and I can't live with my mom neither. My psychiatrist hasn't contacted me in a month and neither have my caseworker. They were supposed to get me out of here, but they just sit on their fat asses as I live here and gets more and more fucked up with every days that goes by.
He yelled at me I shouldn't visit my girlfriend next weekend. I screamed that he should shut up and just go to sleep already. And after yelled at me, he lay down in this bed and fell asleep.

I can't go on like this.
What am I supposed to do?

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