I could never say..

I could never say how much you hurt me. You broke my heart so badly, and I don't know if we can fix this, and I don't even know if I want to. What you did to me, how you lied to me. I.. I have no words for this.
But I'll try to tell that happened;
I was checking my girlfriend's facebook like she said I was allowed to, to check her game. But then this chat suddenly popped up. It was from 'that girl'. That girl that Mira kissed back then when we were already dating, when she had told me she loved me. And I was over that; until now.
I tried to click out of the chat but then it scrolled up instead, I have no idea how, and then I read this message. Mira had told 'that girl' she loved her, and that her lips tasted good when they kissed, and.. Mira told the girl that she wanted to do sexual things to her.
What she told me was that 'that girl' kissed her and that she tried to stop her, but... Yes, another lie and now I lay here, broken and filled up with misery. How could she do this? How... I know it's been since month, but those bricks our relationship were build on, were made of lies, made of tears, and now it's falling apart.

But tomorrow we'll talk this out.
Don't know what to say or what to do, but.. Yea, should I even forgive you?
.. I just don't know how my heart could be fixed this time.

And suddenly my heart stopped beating

Stuck on loving you..

I doubt that..

Sometimes I regret I even met you. Sometimes I regret I ever wrote to you for the first time. I shouldn't have, because then I wouldn't feel this way. Betrayed, doubting and miserably in love with you. It's been nearly six months since we got together but I can't forget what happened, what you did to me. And every night, every fucking night I have nightmares about you being with someone else. I watch you kiss her lips, touch her body, every fucking night and I can't deal with this anymore. I wake up crying and feel like leaving every morning.
The worst part is; I would regret. If I ever left you, I would beg you to come back. To forgive me, and we would end up together again. And then again I would leave you and it would go on this circle of sorrow.
I wish I could trust you, but every time you touch me, I think; "She touch her with this hand," and on the inside I break into pieces. But I pretend like I don't even think about it anymore.
The truth is; it is haunting me. 

I want you to love me, I want you to care.
I want you to need me, I want you to want me.
I want to make you smile, and I want to make you mine.
But with every breath I take, with every word you say,
I know I can't go on,
Can't live with or without you another day. 

Why is the girl of my dreams the one who has to break my heart into shattered glass?
But she got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.

A dear old friend

 

We've been through so much you and me. Through hard times, sad times, bad times, we always stuck together. But you ended our journey on a few minutes because of your girlfriends jealousy. Because you wanted her to be happy. It's not that I don't understand, she's a lovely girl, but .. I supported you, stayed up all night just to talk to you even though I had to go to school the next morning, so I can't help but being hurt because of your choice.
When my ex-girlfriend dumped me, you were there for me. You prevented me from falling, you kept me on my feet. And so quickly my friendly feelings for you, turned into a crush. It lasted a few months and I told you, I promised, that I wouldn't try to steal you away from your girlfriend; I would never even think about doing that, because I knew she made you happy.
After a few months, I gave up. I knew I could never be yours. I told you that we should stop talking, and you agreed. You were afraid of what your girlfriend what say, and I understood. So we stopped talking. And then again, I fell in love with the most beautiful girl, Mira. I fell head over heels for her and I forgot everything about you. Now you were just an old friend. So I began to talk to your girlfriend, explained.
And soon I wrote you a message. Said how sorry I was for leaving you, but I knew it was the best thing for the three of us. And so I tried to make it up to you, tried to make it as good as it once were. I thought we got over it, thought you trusted me. I did everything for you, Kiba. I gave you my all to make you happy. But it wasn't good enough.
Cause a month ago, you left me. In the middle of my hardest time, you wrote me a message where you told me that we should stop talking. I tried to talk you from it, tried to hold on. But you wouldn't stay.
Do you have no idea how you broke my heart that evening? Do you know how much I cried? I love you; not because I have feelings for you, but because I need you in my life; as my friend.

But still.. I could never hate you. Never.
I want you back in my life and I'll wait. I'll wait forever. I'll let your girlfriend get over it, let her accept me. Because I accepted her, I even saw her as a dear friend. But that was all just a facade. But.. Yes, somehow I understand. I know how it feels, being jealous. And that's why I tried to help her.

Tonight I had this dream. About you, about your girlfriend. How I said I'm sorry to her, how I asked her to forgive me. She cried and I hugged her to make her feel better. And then you thanked me. Thanked me for making it okay..
I woke up crying. Cried because I wanted it to be true.
Kiba.. I would do anything for you. We've left each other, but someway, I still think that we'll end up together again. And if that ever happens, then I will never let you go.

I just hope you and her will forgive me someday.
I want you both in my life.
Because I care.

.. I just had to get it off my chest.

Just waiting..

I'm just waiting. Waiting is all I can do. I try to stay positive, try to think clear, but with every day that goes by it get's harder and harder. My dad suggested that he'd rent a bigger apartment and we could move in there. Him and me. But how would it be possible for me to live with someone who is drunk everyday? Just staying with him for a few months make me go insane. Shit..

And now I'm the one who can't be trusted? 

My heart is aching. Long for spreading my wings and just disappear. Away from him, away from her. All of them. I wouldn't mind being alone, just for a week or two.

To find myself. To miss again

I hate loving you

I hate this !
I hate you !
.. And I can't go on like this anymore. 

I'm screaming, crying, fighting, so I won't fall. I won't let myself break down, I won't let my mom have the pleasure to see me cry. Never. But she text me everyday, ask me how I am, what I'm doing and things like that. Small-talk. I have no idea why, but I can't help but hoping she's realizing what she has done. How she has broken her own child. But somehow, someway, I know that she doesn't give a shit. She never has, so why should she begin to care now?

The worst part is that my girlfriend doesn't understand. She's not supporting me, she's just making me crash harder when she begins to act negative and fight against me. I just need her to care. The only thing I want right now is for her to hold on to me. I'm pushing her away, yes, but that's why she should hold on to me. Hug me tighter, love me more. But that's just not happening. And that's just devastating.
It's ok that she don't understand, because she has never been through anything like this, but she could at least support me and be my rock. But she's just fading more and more away and now I doubt her love for me.

If she loved me, then why is she doing this?

Why is it so difficult for her to listen to me? 

Earlier today I told her that I cried. You know what she answered?
"Haha, calm down xD"
And I was, like, what the fuck? That's not something to say to someone who's crying. And I have to admit that I am starting to consider if I am better off without her. I love her, I love her so insanely much but this is driving me crazy. All those fights, all those tears. I want her in my life and I want to fight for her love, but.. I can't right now. I'm going through so much and she should be the one holding on and fighting for me.
The funny part is; the only one who cares is my ex-girlfriend.

I'm asking you two things; 
Fight and hold on.
If you don't, then you'll see me walk away very soon.
Because every day you break my heart.

If at least they say that I am mentally unstable, I got an excuse for being like I am.

Those small things..

It's those little things that makes a difference. It can be a tiny thing, such as a smile that saves somebody's day, but it can also be you yelling at somebody, that makes them sad the rest of the week.
To me, little things that someone sees as nothing, is a big deal to me. Let me explain;
Today I went home from my girlfriend. I sat into the train, but when I looked out of the window, she wasn't there. And I was, like, 'did she just leave?' Like, without waving or blowing a kiss? That just ruined this day. I know, I know, I'm putting too much into it, but still... Such a little thing makes me think that she doesn't love me; that she's avoiding me. Slowly fading away.
Some may say that I feel too much, but isn't it better than not feeling anything at all? 'Cause I think so. I'd rather be an a emotional wreck than a heartless bitch.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my dads apartment. He's snoring like hell and I can't concentrate about anything. He's trying to make me put away my phone at 11. PM, and that's not going to happen. He says I'm lazy, just sitting by my computer all day, but what the hell am I supposed to do!? There's nothing else exciting in this town, my god!
Earlier today he tried to make me come from my girlfriends place Saturday instead of Sunday. I freaked out and yelled at him, and then he said nothing but 'Ok' and left. I was so mad, but I think he won't try to talk me into that again. At least I hope so.

You've taken everything away from me now, so don't you dare taking her, too !

- I swear, I'll make you regret you ever was born.

Sometimes I wonder why everything falls apart. Why me, why do I have to suffer this way? I don't know what I've done to make my life such a mess. 

Feel like throwing it all away

I'm out of control and this is just getting too much. I want to smile and say, "Hey guys, I'm ok," but in reality, I'm broken. In the real world, I have no family left, but a drunk dad which I have to visit tomorrow. My own sister won't even write me a fucking textmessage? Do you know how fucking unbearable hard that is?

And knowing that you can't trust the only one you actually have to trust; your partner.

I want her in my life. Forever. But that's just not a possibility. You know why? Because I'm freaking out. Because I know I'll never trust her! I don't know if I'm overreacting, or overemotional, or do I have a reason? I wanna put it all behind me, look at it as if it's the past. But it's not.

It's my past, my present and my future. 

Oh mother of God, I hate this! I love her, and my heart tells me to stay. But my head is screaming "Run away!"
.. I can't. I won't. But this is truly killing me..

Jealousy and love are sisters.

I don't know why but with every day that goes by, I get more jealous. It's sneaking and creeping up on me and and I can't take control over it. I can't put it in a box and say "Fuck that!" because if I did, then it would suddenly just pop back out and destroy me more than the first time.

I know I know, with love comes jealousy, but is this natural? I tend to be overemotional and feel to much of everything, but still.. Is this is a sign that I don't trust her? She has broken my trust more than once, not like she cheated or anything, but.. I just wanna cry.


Before we got together, we already had something. We flirted, we kissed. But one day our mutual told me, that she heard some rumors. She bad been seen with her friends, and one of them, she held in the hand and actually kissed more than just one time. I was on the fucking limit to just leave it all, but.. I truly loved her.

I held on, even though I didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I cried and cried, and cried, and yes. I told her that I didn't wanted to talk to her anymore, because, she broke my heart, someway, you know? But this time, somebody held on to me. She told me to stay, she said she loved me.

Is that why? Is that why I'm so afraid of losing her?
So afraid of being hurt again? 

But I just have to hang on. After all, she's the one I love. I'm serious when I say that I want to trust her, but it's just so hard when she did that to me? Am I overreacting once again? Nothing new about that anyway.

Just knowing that she's hanging out with her goddamn pretty girlfriend, makes me want to throw it all on the ground. It's been five months since she fucked that thing up, but actually, she did one more thing.

We have a mutual friend. A friend, which I love so much. We both love her, and we're hanging out together sometimes. It's great, but.. Let's call her 'Bella'
Me and Bella were texting and we talk about relationships and sex. I ask her if she had sex before, and who? She won't tell me in the beginning, but somehow I manage to get it out of her. And yes, Mira and her had been sleeping together. And I'm like.. "Why has no one told me that?" .. We had a relationship for three fucking months, and no one told me!? .. I know it was before me and Mira got together, but still.. It's not okay, or am I just messed up? .. They should've told me, I think.

I freaked out. I messed up, and broke up with Mira. I couldn't deal with it. Just before Christmas, just amazing. You have no idea how mad and hurt I was. But after a couple of days, I pulled myself together. We got back together again, even though I hated her. I hated both of them.

.. Of course I did not hate them, but.. Ouch, my heart. 

Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know. 

I just have to be strong, you know? I'm the one who's fucked up after all.

Keep going

Shutting it all out, trying to live my life without having to think too much about my existence, just to keep it all a little more simple. But everything is just running through my head, coming from all sides, trying to break me down. And that's exactly why I'm still standing. My goddamn stubbornness won't let me fall apart.
I don't know if it's good or bad, 'cause somehow, someway, I just want to lay down and cry. Quit being the strong person I always show on the outside. But hell no. I won't. Never. I won't let it bring me down, not anymore. I'm keeping myself together, in a way, and I'm still smiling. No more tears, and no more lies!
From this evening I will be able to say "I'm okay," without lying people straight in the face. Because you know what? The world does not stop turning just because my mom threw me out, and the sun won't stop shinning just because my sister hates me more than anything. No, of course not.

I have a lot of awesome friends, and a lot of people who will be there to guide me through my darkest times. And that's why I keep going through hell!

Moving out.

It happened, as I feared. My mom and I just can't harmonize with each other. We discuss all the time and it's just getting worse day by day. A week ago I couldn't take it anymore, after she called me some nasty things. So I told her that I would never come back. I packed my stuff, some clothes and makeup, and then I left.
I'm feeling so loved at my girlfriend's house. Her mom and Mira actually wants me there. It feels like that, I must admit. At home the feeling of being unwanted and ignored grew bigger, and I gave up.
So I've been with her for a week. I didn't went to school, because she lives too far away, but at least only for a week. On Thursday I have a meeting with my caseworker, so we can find out what we can do about this problem. I know my mom can't take it, and neither can I. So this is the best decision for both of us.
So I'm moving out. Don't know where or how, but I move out. From today on I'm at a friends place, until the meeting. Cosy! Then I can go to school, too, which is great.

Living with my mom has never been easy, and once I was placed into a foster family. I liked it there, but the municipality wanted to control everything -sigh- But I love her. Of course I do, she's my mom, but I can't live with the way she treats me. It's not okay and as the years has passed by, I don't feel like she's my mom anymore. It's hard, and my dad don't help me either. You see, he's an alcoholic.

But.. I hope things will fall into place when I get my own place with a little help from the municipality. I want to move out so badly, but after the summer-break, after I've graduated from primary school, I'm going to a boarding school. It's so confusing.

My life is falling apart, but... I will be alright. I survive with help from my precious girlfriend and my friends.