Feel like throwing it all away

I'm out of control and this is just getting too much. I want to smile and say, "Hey guys, I'm ok," but in reality, I'm broken. In the real world, I have no family left, but a drunk dad which I have to visit tomorrow. My own sister won't even write me a fucking textmessage? Do you know how fucking unbearable hard that is?

And knowing that you can't trust the only one you actually have to trust; your partner.

I want her in my life. Forever. But that's just not a possibility. You know why? Because I'm freaking out. Because I know I'll never trust her! I don't know if I'm overreacting, or overemotional, or do I have a reason? I wanna put it all behind me, look at it as if it's the past. But it's not.

It's my past, my present and my future. 

Oh mother of God, I hate this! I love her, and my heart tells me to stay. But my head is screaming "Run away!"
.. I can't. I won't. But this is truly killing me..