Jealousy and love are sisters.

I don't know why but with every day that goes by, I get more jealous. It's sneaking and creeping up on me and and I can't take control over it. I can't put it in a box and say "Fuck that!" because if I did, then it would suddenly just pop back out and destroy me more than the first time.

I know I know, with love comes jealousy, but is this natural? I tend to be overemotional and feel to much of everything, but still.. Is this is a sign that I don't trust her? She has broken my trust more than once, not like she cheated or anything, but.. I just wanna cry.


Before we got together, we already had something. We flirted, we kissed. But one day our mutual told me, that she heard some rumors. She bad been seen with her friends, and one of them, she held in the hand and actually kissed more than just one time. I was on the fucking limit to just leave it all, but.. I truly loved her.

I held on, even though I didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I cried and cried, and cried, and yes. I told her that I didn't wanted to talk to her anymore, because, she broke my heart, someway, you know? But this time, somebody held on to me. She told me to stay, she said she loved me.

Is that why? Is that why I'm so afraid of losing her?
So afraid of being hurt again? 

But I just have to hang on. After all, she's the one I love. I'm serious when I say that I want to trust her, but it's just so hard when she did that to me? Am I overreacting once again? Nothing new about that anyway.

Just knowing that she's hanging out with her goddamn pretty girlfriend, makes me want to throw it all on the ground. It's been five months since she fucked that thing up, but actually, she did one more thing.

We have a mutual friend. A friend, which I love so much. We both love her, and we're hanging out together sometimes. It's great, but.. Let's call her 'Bella'
Me and Bella were texting and we talk about relationships and sex. I ask her if she had sex before, and who? She won't tell me in the beginning, but somehow I manage to get it out of her. And yes, Mira and her had been sleeping together. And I'm like.. "Why has no one told me that?" .. We had a relationship for three fucking months, and no one told me!? .. I know it was before me and Mira got together, but still.. It's not okay, or am I just messed up? .. They should've told me, I think.

I freaked out. I messed up, and broke up with Mira. I couldn't deal with it. Just before Christmas, just amazing. You have no idea how mad and hurt I was. But after a couple of days, I pulled myself together. We got back together again, even though I hated her. I hated both of them.

.. Of course I did not hate them, but.. Ouch, my heart. 

Hold on, if you feel like letting go.
Hold on, it gets better than you know. 

I just have to be strong, you know? I'm the one who's fucked up after all.