Where's my happiness..

Sometimes I don't know what the hell I have to do to be happy. I smile, I laugh, I even make funny jokes, but what the hell does that matter when this motherfucking smile, is fake? When all on the outside, is a fucking facade I fight to keep on. I'm so afraid, 'cause if I lose control for one freaking minute, then I'll go upstairs, tear my razors apart, and then I'll end up in the same shit like half a year ago. I just want to be normal, I just want to tell my shrink "Here I am, I'm okay," .. But I can't.
I've never could. Never. Not even once. Because I'm not happy, not like all the other kids from school. I can feel it, I can feel how different I am, and it kills me.
I'm searching for happiness, searching for that special thing that'll make my day. My girlfriend supports me, but... When there are problems in the relationship, my whole world falls apart.

I’m not that typical baby
I’m a bad kid like my mom and dad made me
I’m not that cool and you hate me
I’m a bad kid, that’s the way that they made me 

-  Lady Gaga, Bad Kids