Independent boarding school

This Sunday I arrived at the independent boarding school - you have no clue how tough it was to let your parents and girlfriend go, seriously. And just see them drive away, it really hurts.
So you just stand there. 'What to do now?'
And nothing has changed, really. I still don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to stay. My roomie is ruining everything for me. She's such a cold-hearted bitch and I wish she would just fuck off. I'm trying to get them to change my room but.. They just won't. They say it's too early, but this shit is seriously bringing me down. I want to be happy here and get an amazing year.
But living with her just fucks it all totally up.

And suddenly everything falls apart once again

The call

Yes. You didn't text me back but instead you called me two days after. I guess you were just settling. You called when I was playing Slender and I jumped several inches with shock.
But yeah. You said you were happy with my apology and you thought we should be friends again. You don't know how happy you made me. How weightless I feel today, like I can almost fly.

Independent boarding school

Oh it's coming closer. Next Sunday. Omfg. I'm scared to death just by thinking about it. But there's still a lot of stuff to buy. A lot of necessary stuff but I hope I can get some new clothes too.

I'm going there next Sunday with my family and girlfriend which is good. I think it's gonna be nice to have them there the first hours. But after that, when they leave, what am I supposed to do? All those new people. I think I might run screaming away from the boys and hide awkwardly from the girls. Oh shit. I'm fucking lost man. But I really want this, you know? It's an awesome opportunity to get away from home and to start anew, right?
But before that, next Saturday, there's Copenhagen Gay Pride. I'm really looking forward to it. My first Gay Pride. It's gonna be awesome with all those people who are just like me. Of course it's not only gay people, but still. Meeting up with some friends and just chill. Maybe make some new friends?
But Mira's ex-girlfriends are probably gonna be there... Which sucks, but I'll just ignore them, right? What else should I do? I refuse to talk to them. Seriously. I don't wanna talk to anyone who has fucked her. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. Not that it's gross to have sex with her, but it's just so wrong when it wasn't me, you know?
Twisted stupid fuck.

With all my heart; Thanks.

Honestly. I don't know what to write about. I've wrote about everything that mattered to me. My friends. My family. My love-life. My life generally speaking. About my bad times and good times, concerns and thoughts, as twisted as they might be. I've been up, I've been down - especially down. I've been so depressed so maybe it's time for me to thank those who helped me through everything? They are after all the reason why I'm still here and I'm grateful.

Gitte: Thank you for always being there when I needed you. We've known each other for so many years but even though we've had our arguments and fights, we stuck together. That's real friendship. Right? Now we walk different paths and it seems like we're losing what we used to have, but... I treasure the moments we spend together and I'm thankful for the support you gave, and always will give when I'm in need.

Pari: Oh darling, what we haven't tried and what we haven't laughed of. No matter what I know you will always bring a smile to my face. With you I don't sense my personal troubles - With you everything just gets so much easier and less painful. I know I can always count on you. We've had so much fun and those a moments I will keep in my heart forever.

Wolter: Well.. We don't talk that much anymore, but we used to. And I really care. You know I'm here and you can always count on me to listen to your problems. That's what I'm here for. But what really matters is; I know you would do the same for me. You are a busy guy and you don't have that much time, but.. I really like you and though we've only met once, I know you are a friend I can rely on.

Amy: Yes. My ex-girlfriend. My only love for one year and a half. You were everything to me once. Once upon a time, you gave me strength. You were my first girlfriend - no, my first relationship - and you have a huge impact on my life. But after all, you were also the one who broke my heart. That truly was the thing who taught me the most. That the future you imagined might not be the one you get. Maybe it's better, maybe it's worse, but in the end, it's your choice, you hold the cards. You are still my friend, a very dear friend and I will never forget what you gave. You gave me the best and most fucked up time of my life.

Camilla: This is tough, ugh, cause we don't speak anymore. We're not even friends. We had a fight and now everything between us is broken. It truly sucks and I would give anything to be your friend again. I don't even know what happened, but.... We were friends for three years. You were the first person I started talking to on the new school and since then, we always hang out. You, Maj and Me. Shit.... Just thinking about it, makes me so miserable. What we had was so special, so rare. You were the only person I thought I wouldn't lose. But I did. I really did. I love you and I miss us. 

Izzy: I know. I know. We don't talk together anymore. I broke it off. You became this fucking emotionless person and the opposite of who you used to be. But. You saved my life. So many times. With your "Good morning sunshine" - messages and "Sleep well, beautiful". I miss you. There isn't a day where I don't think about you. But you turned into a real bitch and know I don't even recognize you. But except from that; You really did make me smile. Every day. So thanks.

Mira: Of course you, Mira. You are my angel, my love, my heaven and the best damn thing. You have made me cry, laugh and dance around with happiness. You are the good to my bad and the sun on the cold nights. If I hadn't met you, God knows where I would be. So... Thank you. You really mess me up and sometimes I feel like just kicking you out of my life but deep inside I know, that wouldn't last. I always take you back because... You are my one. I just know. Just imagining a life without you, hurts my hears and makes my insides twirl around like I'm going to puke. So please. Stay. For me?

There might be more people, like my mom and sister, but... Yeah, those I thing I'd rather keep to myself. And there's this one guy... This one guy who I really loved, but swore I would never write about again. And I intend to keep that promise.

Again and again

Why does this keep repeating? This never-fucking-ending circle of tears and sadness?
When you hold my hand, I feel sparks in my whole body. Like you're electric - in a good way.
When you kiss me, I feel so completely complete - Like I've never been broken before.
But when you lie, I get so scared. It's like my heart bursts and my brain stops working - Like I just have to escape.

We've been here before but now we're here again. You sit there, crying, I stand up, looking awkwardly at you, refusing to hold you when you cry. I know why you cry - You can't handle it when you break me over and over again. I know you love me, but...
I'm broken again. You did it again. You screwed me over like so many times before. And I'm at the point where I can't cry. I won't. I won't let you see me weak. I have to be strong with or without you. What's the difference anyway? Being miserable with you or miserable without you? ... No, there's this huge difference. Being miserable with you has always been the only thing I wanted.
You know who I am and I know who you are. You have to live with me being permanently broken. I've been hurt way too many times to be whole - but with you, you give me the illusion of being complete. With you I experience what it's like to be happy, if only for a few minutes. And that's why I can't let you go - you give me a little piece of heaven.

I can be pensive,

You can be so sure. You'll be the poison, You'll be the cure I'm alone on the journey, I'm alive none the less, And when you do your very worst, Mmmmm it feels the best.
And you'll fall down a hole. That's the one place we both know. You take me with you if you could,  but I wouldn't go. I guess sometimes we both loose our minds, and find a better road.

Mood-killer

Yesterday I went to Copenhagen Zoo with my sister and mom. It was pretty sunny and after a few hours I got these red marks all over my legs. I tried not to get sad because of it, but I could easily see everybody was staring at my legs. It really bothered me. So then my mom noticed and she began to laugh and call me physically handicapped. It almost made me cry. How I look is like everything to me. If I have a bad hair-day, then my day is automatically going to be crappy.

And my love-life right now is just dead. It's like non-existing. The spark is gone. There's nothing left. But I probably just feel like that because I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm like addicted. 

Going to the boarding school is gonna be awesome - away from the family but closer to my girlfriend. And I know everything seems broken, but I hope we can fix it again. I can't bare to see it die. I ain't ready. If I had the chance, I would hold her forever in my arms and never let go of her, but it seems so difficult when my life is such a fucked up mess. I lose friends, I can't stand my family, I feel bad about myself, so at least, God or whoever is up there, please, let me keep her in my life.

Unloved

I've never felt so alone before. I have never been so goddamn depressed and I see no way out of it. I just lay in my bed all day and when I do anything except for sleeping, I eat. I don't even want to it. I just do it to have something to do. I have this fucking headache all the time and I just feel like an empty shell.
And no one is trying to help me. I'm so alone and I can't deal with the loneliness anymore. I'm crying constantly and my mom and sister keeps asking what is wrong. Every time they do, I just want to reply; "What is NOT wrong?" 


But after all, they never feel lonely. They never feel let down. They have each other. And mom is treating my sister like she's the only daughter she cares about. What about me? Why don't I get an iPhone? Why don't I get a horse? Why doesn't she buy me new clothes all the time? It all revolves around my younger sister.
And it would be nice just to feel a little loved sometimes. But well, who cares? I'm not even worth it. So just leave me all by myself and let me drown in my own sorrow. I don't give a fuck. 


Everything just goes wrong right now. It goes like shit with the girlfriend, with the family, with the money, with the friends and the future. I don't even see my future anymore. What the hell.. And the most depressing thing is; I don't care about my future. I just want to be happy right here and right now. But neither do I deserve that.

Unforgettable.

When I think back, I remember your smile. Your shining eyes. The hair with the color of night. I remember all those beautiful memories. I remember your warm embrace, your affectionate kisses.

But now, all that, has to end. You screwed me over once again and this time I will not forget. I will not forgive. You say you are broken but you have no clue about how being broken feels. When it stings, scratches and aches like a disease in your heart. A disease that will never stop.

And yes. This disease, this fucking illness, is my love to you. A fucking circle that will fuck me over and over and fucking over again. And I cannot deal with this anymore. You meant everything to me. You were my light, you were my only hope.

But you did it again. Trashed my heart.
Don't you see? There's no future for us anymore.

The truth about me

... Is that there's not just one of me. There's a lot of sides of me. They confuse each other and sometimes I'm more than one person. I even think two different things at the same time.

There's this 'side' of me, who loves to party, drink and be wild. This person is flirty and wants adventure and is longing to be single, so I can be with all those girls I want. Like that I will never experience another heartbreak and I can live the way I want to. 

But then there's this completely opposite side of me. This 'me' do not want to party, she just wants to read, watch movies and cuddle with her girlfriend. Wants to hold on to her forever and never let go. She loves her girlfriend like she was the only girl in the world. Does not want anybody else, not even sexually. 

These sides, they confuse me like hell. Which side should I rely on? I can't get this to make sense at all. They fuck me up over and over again, and so does she. That girl whom I love with all my heart. 

The big, fucking, devastating question is; Should I hang on? Should I go with her flow and let her love me, like I love her? Or should I just give up already and face the truth about us? The trust is broken, we're too damaged, and move on? But now. How? How can I move on when I love her like I do? 

I'm crazy, I know. Do not blame me for this. If I just could make this fucking decision. 

But again, the truth is; I don't really have a choice, do I?

When my heart is beating for her, what choice do I really have?

The truth about losing

Losing is never fun, but it's part of life. Some people leaves but like that you make room for new people, who worship you more. You just have to remember that those who leave, they leave for a reason. Maybe you don't fit together, maybe you've grown apart or maybe they have hurt you so much you cannot forgive them.
Losing a real friend is unforgettable. You will remember her/his smile forever and always think back at your hilarious, fucked up, or beautiful moments together. You will treasure your memories. And that's great, but just remember to make space for new people to enter your life.
And remember; never take a friend for granted. Love a friend like you love family and support her/him no matter what. Through thick and thin. Sometimes you may argue about some stuff and it may seem like the end of your friendship, but try to hold on as long as it seems fair for you both. Hold on until it seems impossible to fix.
Some things can be fixed, some things can not. And that's what I am experiencing right now; the end of a three-year old friendship. It's devastating and she haunts me in every single dream. I dream of our good times and bad times, all the fun we've made and the shit we've been through. And I miss her. Oh fuck I miss her. But I know this will never be fixed, something's have to remain broken. I cannot have somebody messing up my schedule and my brain. I will not be taken for granted. I want to be loved for who I am and be worshiped for what I do. True, I love her and maybe one day I will ask her to be my friend again, but I'm not stable enough as it is right now.
Right now I will treasure what I have and keep my eyes and heart open for what is coming.

These days.

Sometimes I feel so sure about us and know everything is going to be alright. I know I will follow you through thick and thin, through laughter and tears.
But then there's these days, where I just want to be alone. Where I feel like kicking you out of my life and move on. Take a leap into the unknown. Because I know your little secrets, I can you feel you are hiding things from me. I've come to this point where I just have to be sure about everything, or else my life will fall to pieces. Come crashing down on me. You should be the one to trust. I shouldn't be doubting you, but you haven't given me a reason to believe in you.
It's these days that break me down. It's these days that ruin my entire week, and maybe one day I will get enough of it and disappear without a trace. Maybe that's the best thing to do. For both of us.
To be completely honest, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for us to finish, but neither am I ready for us to begin our life together. I'm young, only sixteen, and I shouldn't be bound to anyone. I want to love you, want to be yours, but still I want adventure. A life with risks instead of a life where it's all figured out and planned. I want to try everything that's worth trying. With you or not, well, I cannot say, but..

I need change. I need a reason to smile.

Gentle sparks of hope..

A lot of things has went wrong recently and I've been kinda depressed, though I've been with Mira. Still that hasn't been enough to make me smile - I feel like a complete asshole, I've been snarling at her like a little bitch and I feel so guilty. So tomorrow we're going to BonBonland with my younger sister, and I will make it up to her. I will make her fall in love with me all over again, cuz I can't stand the thought of losing her. Not again, not ever. So I'll forget all the complications and just be happy for one day. For Mira and my sister.

Confessions.

I have a confession to make;
When I look at happy people, see their smiles and hear their laughter, I envy them. I wish I could rip out their happiness and place it into my own heart. I want to be like them; forget the sorrow life brings and just live my life. Take one step at a time but I know, I cannot follow those rules. I have to keep everything scheduled or else my head will be a complete mess. My old friend messed with my schedule every time we made plans, and that's why we cannot talk anymore. Because I freaked out. She did not understand, and ouch, how that hurt. Sitting there and knowing you can't do anything, I cannot change myself, though I would do it for her. My very best friend for over four years. All that, wasted and spilled. Broken and smashed to the ground.
Yes.. I do miss her. I always try to do my very best but after all, I always get abandoned.
But I refuse to give up. I know, there is somebody out there, waiting for me. Maybe they'll love me for who I am? Time will show, right? I know I'm not a bad person; I'd rather die than hurt anyone. That's why I deserve happiness.

Oh shit...

I don't even know what to write. A lot of stuff has happened these days and it's all so overwhelming.


Losing a friend is never easy and I miss her like hell. My best friend for four years. I hung out with her every day and she was like the apple of my eye but because of a mess she created, I freaked out and then she freaked out because I freaked out and now we're here. Scattered and broken.
It feels like a bad breakup. I wish I could get her back but I know it wouldn't work out. Some things can't be fixed and I don't think me and her can neither, though I would give everything. But I'm so sensitive and she's spoiled. I just don't know... Maybe we just grew apart. That's common when getting older, right?
And the horse I used to ride is now sold.


Everything just seem so complicated and fucked up at the moment. I just want to forget and move on. I deserve to be happy. Everybody does.
Soon I'm going to the boarding school. A new start, a new beginning. I'm looking forward to it, but now I begin to feel the fear. What if they don't like me? If I end up lonely and hated. Then I would probably just leave and take home, even though my mom dislike me for it.


Fuck this shit...

This thing that breaks my heart.

Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship? I mean, I really love my girl with all my heart, but maybe I'm not emotionally stable enough? Sometimes I get these blackout's where I refuse to talk to her and I just throw my phone into the wall with anger with no fucking reason. It bothers me. I want her, I want her in my life. But sometimes I feel like we're not going anywhere. I want us to move, want us to move forward, hand in hand. Lips to lips.
I've been thinking about running away, taking the easy way out. I don't feel wanted. I feel unloved, miserable. It's like she doesn't want my body anymore. I need the intimacy between us, is it really that wrong?

But still.. I'm young, only 16. I've almost always been in a relationship. Never had a one night-stand. Never kissed a person for no reason. Just for love. Love. Fuck this love. I want to spend my life with a person I love, but if the person doesn't want me anymore, then what's the point in staying? I know she loves me but if she doesn't want my body, then I should just take my things and leave.

I'm so lost in this labyrinth of emotions, love and attraction.
This thing that breaks my heart. 

Pure disappointment.

Nine months

I can't believe we've been together for nine months now. Time is flying but still it feels like I've known you for a lifetime. I would never give that up.I will hold on, even if you beg me to let go. I would wrap my arms around you, tie you down and tell you 'Once you have my heart, you will have it forever'
The only unacceptable thing I wouldn't forgive, would be you cheating. I still don't trust you but somehow I know, deep inside, that you would never hurt me that way. Right? You wouldn't. At least, I hope so. A life without you is summer with no sun, a winter with no snow, a night without stars, lungs with no air. It would be awful. I could live, but I would be a complete mess. So I'd rather give up right away and call off my life.

It's horrible, feeling this way. Being this addicted to a girl who could break your heart in a minute. But isn't it what love is all about? Giving someone the possibility to break your heart, but hoping and trusting they won't? The most fucked up thing is; I don't. I don't trust you.
But maybe in time I will. Right now I just have to hang on and let you love me.

Is it okay?

I have this doubt, this insecurity. If you are in a relationship, would it be okay for me to be attracted to another girl? To look at a girl that's not my girlfriend and think 'Wow, I would totally bang her'
I mean, I really love my girlfriend, I really do, but does that mean I can't be attracted to a beautiful girl? It's human nature. One thing is being attracted to another, but acting on it? I would never. Never, ever in my life. I just don't know, should I tell her? I won't lie to her or keep secrets from her, like she did to me. That would be totally messed up. Right?

I'm turned on by that 'Oh-you-can't-have-me-attitude'. I like it, it's sexy. A bad girl, call it what you want to. The girl everybody wants. That's my type of girl. She was like that when I first met her and I never imagined her being mine this day today. I imagined myself running after her for a year or two and then find another victim for my love. But that's not how it ended up. She gave up the other girls and chose to be mine. She promised me forever and I gladly accepted it - Of course I did, I was crazy about her.
But we're stuck. Stuck in routines. Stuck in a relationship where everything has become boring. I want us to last, I really do, but there's nothing fun, nothing exciting. I want hot sex, on the floor, against the wall. I want that 'Fuck me' whispered in my ear. I need something I can't have.
I would never leave her. Never. She's the apple of my eye, my honeyboo - see, I would never call her things like that in the beginning. She would just be called 'the one I can never have'. But now she loves me and would give me the world. I know. She would die for me like I would die for her.

But I watch these tv-series. The L Word, Lip Service. There's these girls who just fucks every girl they lay their eyes on. They seduce them, they fucks them and leaves them. I don't know why but to me, that's so freakin' attractive and hot. I used to be this romantic girl, dreaming of spending forever with the girl of my dreams. But now it has changed. What's wrong with me? I want a girl who can rock my world and make me cum just by kissing me. Oh God.

Fuck this
I would never cheat. Never, and so will I never leave her or hurt her.
My love, my life, my beautiful girl. 

I'll go to bed now, fuck. 

Nineteen - Tegan & Sara

I felt you in my legs before I ever met you
And when I laid beside you for the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
And now we're saying bye
Bye
Bye
I was nineteen
Call me

I felt you in my life before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay it down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

Flew home
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset

I cooked up a plan
So good except I was all alone
You were all I had

Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right

I was nineteen
Call me
(Bye)